A New Mom And An Old Memory
by sherryfan1
Summary: COMPLETE Olivia's best friend dies and she inherits her teenaged daughter. Story about their struggles to move on, growing up, and learning to love and live again
1. You Forget

**Disclaimer: I do NOT own any of the characters from Law and Order SVU. I do own all other characters though. **

**Ok this is my first every SVU fanfic.**

**I'm going to make one of those stories that deal with the characters but not so much the plot.**

**_Italics-_ character thoughts**

**Please R&R

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**Back ground: Olivia and my mom were friends for years, but a year ago my mom was killed in a car accident and I moved in with Olivia. I'm in middle school, so I've gotten to the age where I hate authority figures, but I really need a mom. So obviously, there will be some conflict in the story, but I will not be using curse words so it should be safe for all reader.

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**Sarah's POV**

Olivia hasn't been home on time all week. She keeps promising that she'll be home at a certain time but she never is. My birthday is tomorrow and she said we would start celebrating tonight, but it's almost ten and she's still not home yet and she hasn't called yet either. I finally give up. I slide the kick guard onto the door so she can't get in when she finally comes home.

I pick up the phone, call the station, and ask for Detective Benson. She finally answers after a few minutes. She always answers the same way," Detective Benson." That's all she ever says, no how are you or may I ask whose calling. I say," It's me. It's already after ten." She said," I'm sorry, Elliot and I are working a big case and I just can't get home right now." I said," You promised you'd be home two hours ago." She started to say," I know sweetie…" Then she heard the click from where I had hung up on her.

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**Olivia POV**

The phone on my desk is ringing.

_Shoot I promised to be home two hours ago and I forgot to call Sarah to tell her I'd be late. _

"Detective Benson"

_It's Sarah, she's mad because I promised to be home and I'm not._

"I'm sorry Elliot and I are working a big case and I just can't get home right now."

_I wish she wouldn't argue with me. I need to talk to her about that when I get home. She's knows I can't just drop things and come home all the time. My job is a big commitment I told her that when she moved in. I told her I'd rely on her to take care of herself and make sure she got all her homework done. Maybe I need to get someone to stay with her. I'll check into that later._

"I know sweetie I'm sorry." Then the dial tone sounds through the phone.

_She hung up the phone on me!_

I dialed back to the apartment but Sarah wouldn't pick up. I talked through the answering machine," I'll be home within an hour. We need to talk." I finished up my work and told the Captian I needed to head home that Munch was going to help Elliot and that I'd be back in the morning. Then he reminded me I actually had taken a day off tomorrow for Sarah's Birthday.

_That's why she's so upset. Her birthday.

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**Sarah's POV**

She always comes home if I don't answer the phone when she knows I'm there. It's just about the only way I can let her know I'm upset or mad at her. Some times, I wonder how victims talk to her so easily. They must see a different side of her than I do, because it's so hard to tell her anything. Much less, some thing I want to hide. She is really good at reading me though. She always knows when something's bothering me. Well she does when she's around. I sat down by the door far enough to where when she opened it she couldn't reach me but she could still see me. I sat there and waited until she came home. I knew it wouldn't be to long. I figured she would at least have an idea now as to why I was so upset. I heard her key in the door and waited for the yelling to start. The door opened and she seemed stunned when it was suddenly stopped by the kick guard. She didn't Yell like I thought she would though. She saw me sitting there beside the door and she squatted down in front of the door and asked," Can you open the door so we can talk please." I just looked over at her trying not to cry. I said," We can talk through the door."

She sat down with her back against the door and looked in at me. She said," I'm sorry that I wasn't here when I promised, and I'm sorry your mom isn't here for your birthday." She hit the nail perfectly.

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**Flashback:**

**Last year:**

**My birthday was last week, and I had a big party with all my friends. I love my mom. It was a surprise party and It was awesome. We talked today in my free talk class about what we would do if we lost our parents. I asked," Mom, what would happen to me if anything ever happened to you?" She said," You would live with Olivia and she would take care of you like I do." I asked, "Can you do a favor for me?" She said," Anything, just ask." I asked," Promise you'll never leave me. At least not till I'm all grown up and I have kids of my own." She looked at me and smiled and said," I promise I'll never leave you Sarah. We'll be together forever."**

**End of Flashback

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**Olivia's POV**

When I got home, I slid my key into the lock and turned it. However, the door suddenly stopped and I realized she had put the kick guard on so I couldn't get in. I looked in through the three inch crack and saw her sitting on the wall near the door. I squatted down near the door and asked her to let me in, but she refused. I sat down with my back against the door and said," I'm sorry that I wasn't here when I promised, and I'm sorry your mom isn't here for your birthday." She looked away from me. I could see the tears in the corners of her eyes. I wanted to pull her into my arms and hold her, but she wouldn't let me in. She sat there in silence for a minute before I said," Please open the door. You don't have to come anywhere near me. Just go sit on the couch so we can talk. I sit in the chair away from you if you want, but I need t get in the house."

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**Sarah's POV**

She was right. I couldn't keep her locked out forever. I finally let her in and I walked over to the couch and sat down. I pulled one of the throw pillows into my lap and sat there waiting for her to say something. She sat down in the chair across from the couch and just looked at me. I looked down at the pillow in my hands but I could feel her looking at me. She said," You have to look at me if we're going to talk, and you have to say something." I stayed looking down and said," Everyone always breaks their promises.


	2. Someone To Watch Over Me

**Olivia's POV**

_Every one always breaks their promises? What does she mean by that? I can't take. I can't leave her alone._

I move over to the coffee table and sit down right in front of her. I put my hands on her knees and she looked up at me for a second. Tears are rolling down her face. I asked," I know what promise I broke. Who else broke a promise they made to you?" She didn't answer me so I just sat there waiting. She pulled away from me and tried to get up. I took hold of her hands and pulled her back down to sit on the couch. She broke down in tears. I tried to hold her but she just pushed me away. I fought her until she finally collapsed into my arms in tears.

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**Sarah's POV**

I knew she wanted to hold me, but she broke promises just like my mom did. Even when she asked me questions I wouldn't answer her. I tried to get away but she pulled me down and held me tighter and tighter until I gave up and collapsed crying in her arms. She asked again," Who else broke a promise to you?" I said through sobs," My mom. She promised she wouldn't leave me until I was all grown up and had kids, but she's not here. She's not here!" She held me tighter and rocked back and forth until I fell asleep. She carried me to my room and laid me down in my bed and turned out the lights.

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**Olivia's POV**

After she finally let me hold her I swayed slowly back and forth until she had cried herself to sleep. What she didn't know was that I was crying with her. My heart broke when she said her mom had promised to always be there. I knew how much here mom wanted to be here with her and how much I wanted her to be here with her. She finally fell asleep and I carried her to her room and tucked her into bed like I used to do when I watched her when she was little. I sat there in the dark of her room and listened to her breathing. I had let her down in so many ways in the last few weeks. And I had promised her that I would be home early so we could start celebrating her birthday and I hadn't been here. I whispered softly before I went to bed," I'm sorry Sarah. I'm going to try harder."

When she woke up the next morning I was already up and waiting on her. We needed to talk.

I asked," Can we talk?" She sat down at the table and I sat down across from her. She looked at me waiting for me to say some thing. I said," Sarah, I'm sorry your mom isn't here today for your birthday, but I promise together we will make this a special day. If you want we can go to the cemetery."

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**Sarah's POV**

I was surprised she hadn't wanted to go since mom had died. I said," I would like that… Olivia, I'm sorry about last night. I know I shouldn't have locked you out, it's just that…" I couldn't think of what to say. She looked at me and asked," It's just what?" I said," I can't take anyone breaking anymore promises, at least not important ones. My mom promised she'd always be here but she's not. My dad promised to always love my mom and me but he didn't. And you promised to always take care of me, but you're never here."

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**Olivia's POV**

She was right. I was never there for her. I had to find someone to stay with her, someone who can watch out for her when I'm working. I'll do that tomorrow. Maybe that girl from her church she used to go to…what's her name….Heather. I'll find her number in Sarah's book tomorrow. I needed to ask her first. Now was as good a time as any. So I said," About that…what would you think of me finding someone to come and stay with you after school until I could get home." Sarah looked scared at first and asked," Who?" I answered," What about maybe Heather?"

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**Sarah's POV**

I was happy to hear she was thinking about Heather taking care of my. I loved her and I hadn't gotten to spend much time with her since my mom had died and I had moved her with Olivia. She wasn't very spiritual so she didn't go to church every week like I did. I missed that. I missed sitting with my mom and singing old songs. I missed the life I had shared with my mom and the friendships I had developed at the church. Maybe Heather taking care of me would change things, maybe Heather would help bring back another piece of my life.

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So what do you think? Please R&R


	3. My Secret

**Olivia's POV**

I tried so hard to make yesterday special for Sarah. Going back to the cemetery was hard on me, but I know Sarah needed it. It was closure, finality. We finally saw that it was just us. And it was important to me; I had to take care of her now. I was all she had. I called Heather this morning to ask if she'd be willing to watch Sarah. She seemed really excited about it. She's going to start on Monday. I think this will help Sarah out some too. Maybe her moods will even out and she won't have as many outbursts as she's been having with me. _Please let Heather help her_. I need someone who can get through to her. It's like I have to interrogate her to get her to tell me how she's feeling or what's wrong. She was never like that when she was little. She always told you what was on her mind and how she felt. What happened that had changed that. Right after her mom had died, she still told me how she felt and then all of the sudden about a week after the funeral she stopped talking at all. She shut herself off from me. And that's how we've been living the last year, I talk, she doesn't answer. I know she thinks about her mom, but she won't talk about her anymore. I know she has questions, but I can't make her ask them. I wish she would talk to me like she used to; tell me what's on her mind. Elliot said it would take time and I know it will. But it's been a year and I still don't know what she thinks about, or why sometimes she cries at night. I hear her but I never go in her room. I can hear her whispering but I know if I went in, she would shut herself up again. Maybe that's her release, crying alone, but who wants to cry alone. Why would you want to cry alone when there's someone who can hold you.

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**Sarah's POV**

Yesterday meant a lot to me. I hadn't been to the cemetery with Olivia since we buried my mom there last year. It was different from all the times I had snuck off on my own and gone. Being there with her changed things, I didn't feel as alone as I did when I went there alone. She doesn't know that I go there on my own. I don't think she would like that idea very much. She doesn't like me going places in the city on my own. I hope having Heather stay with me won't make me lose my weekly trips to the cemetery to talk to my mom. I think Heather will understand why I go, but I don't think Olivia will. She never understands me. After mom died she made such a big deal of me telling her how I felt, but after a while it seemed like she was just doing it so I would talk to her and not because she wanted to know how I felt. I know she cares, but she tries so hard to be like my mom… it only makes it hurt more. She's not my mom; she's just Olivia…my mom's friend.

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**Olivia's POV**

This weekend went by without much conversation between the two of us. I'm taking off early today so I can be at home when Sarah gets home. She doesn't know that Heather is coming today. I was hoping to surprise her and make her smile. I miss seeing her smile.

Heather and I have been waiting for Sarah for an hour now. She should have been home by now. I'm starting to get worried. I pace back and forth waiting, and Heather sits watching the clock on the wall. Finally, I hear the key in the door. I'm standing in front of it when she opens the door.

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**Heather's POV**

I was so excited about staying with Sarah. I had missed seeing her since her mom had died and my occasional trip to see her never seemed like enough and it always broke my heart when she cried when I had to leave. She should be home by now. It's already four and her school gets out at two thirty. Olivia is pacing around the room. I can tell she's worried. Sarah's home. Olivia doesn't look very happy.

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**Sarah's POV**

The look on Olivia's face when I walked in the door made me want to turn around and run. I managed to stutter out," What are you doing here? You should still be at work?" She said," I came home to surprise you. Where have you been?" I couldn't tell her. This was my secret. This was what I did every Monday. I never came home right after school on Monday. She was never here to know before so it never mattered what time I got home just as long as I was home before six or so which was normally about the earliest she would ever come home. I just looked down and refused to answer her.

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**Olivia's POV**

I looked down at her waiting for an answer, but none came. I asked again, this time with my most authoritative voice," Where have you been?" She still didn't answer me. She was looking down at her feet. I put my hand under her chin and raised her head so she was looking me in the eyes. I sat there looking at her. I could see that she was hiding something. I said," You can either answer me or you can go to your room and stay there until I tell you, you can come out." I figured with the threat of being grounded she would tell me where she had been, but she jut turned and walked to her room and slammed the door behind herself. Normally I would never let the slamming door go, but I didn't want to pick that fight right now, and I had to get back to work. I asked," Sorry to leave you like this but will you be okay with her Heather?" She told me they'd be fine and she'd talk to me.

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**Sarah's POV**

I slammed my door as I walked into my room. I waited for her to come get on to me, but when she didn't I knew exactly why she hadn't, she had to go to work, again. I laid there on my bed trying not to cry. Work was always more important than I was; it always came first. I heard a softy knock on the door. I knew Olivia was gone so there was only one other person it could be. I said," you can come in." Heather opened the door and walked in. She sat down on the bed beside me and asked," Do you want to tell me where you were this afternoon?" I asked," You promise not to tell Olivia?" She said," I don't know. It depends on where you go." I surprised her with my answer," the cemetery." She asked," Why are you afraid to tell her that's where you go?" I said as a tear slipped out of the corner of my eye," She would never understand."


	4. Forgotten

**Heather's POV**

Sarah slipped into my arms in tears. I held her tight. I asked," Why do you think that she won't understand?" She didn't answer me. She wouldn't even look at me. I said," Sarah, look at me." She slowly raised her head until she was looking in my eyes. I could see so much pain in her eyes. I asked again, softer this time," Why do you think that she won't understand?" She answered," She doesn't understand why I still talk to her like she's still here. She doesn't think she can hear me. But Heather, she has to hear me. She has too…because if she can't then I really am all alone." Tears were pouring from her eyes. I pulled her into a hug again and kissed the top of her head. I said," I think she would understand you still talking to your mom. Sarah, Olivia loves you with all her heart, but you have to talk to her. You have to tell her what's on your mind. Okay?"

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**Sarah's POV**

Heather was right. If I didn't tell Olivia things I couldn't expect her to just know them. I finally told her I would talk to Olivia. She said," We'll all sit down tonight and talk, Okay?" I said," I'll be asleep before she gets home. I'm always asleep before she gets home." She said," Olivia said she'd be home at six." I said," Whatever, can we eat. I'm hungry."

After we ate we watched a movie and Heather helped me with my homework.

Six o'clock came…and went… and there was no Olivia. Finally at nine I gave up.

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**Heather's POV**

I see now why Sarah gets so upset with Olivia. I finally decided she had waited up long enough. I turned off the TV and said," It's time for you to go get ready for bed. Go on. I'll be in your room in fifteen minutes to pray with you." I saw the tear fall from her eye as she got up. I reached out and took her hand. She turned back and looked at me as a tear rolled down her face. I asked," What's wrong?" I already knew the answer but she needed to start saying out loud what she feels. She just shook her head and tried to walk away. I held tighter to her hand and stood up in front of her. I said," Tell me what you're feeling." She pulled away from me and said as she walked to the bathroom to change and brush her teeth," Forgotten."

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**Sarah's POV**

I walked into the bathroom and shut the door. I turned the water on all the way in the sink and grabbed the towel off the rack. I slid down the wall into the corner and burst into tears. I used the towel to muffle my cries, but Heather knew me to well. I heard a soft knock on the door and then it opened. She walked in, without saying anything, turned off the water, pulled the towel away from my face, and pulled me into her arms. We sat there in the floor together, me crying and her holding me.

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**Olivia's POV**

I heard sobbing when I walked in the door to the apartment. I followed the sound to the bathroom. Sarah was sitting in the floor sobbing and Heather was holding her. I hurriedly walked in and knelt down in front of her. I tried to touch her but she started kicking and screaming louder. I saw Heather tighten her grip on her until Sarah stopped thrashing around and laid there crying again. Sarah seemed to collapse into Heather, holding onto her just as tightly as Heather was holding. Heather looked at me then looked down at Sarah. She said," Sarah why don't you go crawl in bed. I'll be in there in a minute. I just want to talk to Olivia first."

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**Heather's POV**

When Olivia came into the bathroom, I felt Sarah tense up. I could feel her building up the closer Olivia got to her. When Olivia reached out her hand to touch Sarah, she snapped. I held onto her as tightly as I could. I tried to get a hold of her arms and legs so she wouldn't hurt herself or Olivia. She finally stopped. She sunk into me in tears. I held her close for a minute until I felt her relax. I asked her to go to her room so I could talk to Olivia. But how am I supposed to tell Olivia that she makes Sarah feel forgotten. I know she's trying, but sometimes trying just isn't enough.


	5. Remembering

**Ok…thanks for you suggestions and comment. **

**Thanks to littlesweetcupcake for your comment,**

**After considering you suggestions and considering the story…I'm going to change the format a just write in Sarah's POV, with little blurps from the other characters. So R&R if you like the change or if you want me to go back to the other format.

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I crawled into my bed and laid there trying to calm down. I wondered what all Heather was telling Olivia. After a few minutes, they came into my room together. Heather sat down first then Olivia sat on the other side. I scooted closer to Heather. Olivia turned to talk to me and I found myself leaning into Heather. Heather wrapped her arms around me and gave me a reassuring squeeze.

Olivia said," I'm sorry I was late, but I had to work…"  
I whispered softly," Work is always more important." I knew my words would sting. I could see the pain in Olivia's eyes.  
She said," Work is not more important. You are the most important thing in the world to me, Sarah…you are more important."  
I just shook my head and asked," Then why can't you come home when you say you will or sit down and eat dinner with me. I just wanna be like every other kid. I want someone at home when I get home and I want someone to force me to do my homework and follow the rules. I want a family again…"  
Olivia said," I'm trying as hard as I can Sarah. This is all new to me too. I'm just trying to figure out what to do."  
I said," But I don't have time for you to figure it out. I'm only this age once. I already lost my mom, and I don't wanna lose anyone else. I love Heather, but she's just a friend, a really good friend, but you are supposed to be my parent now. Olivia you are all I have now. You're it. You have to be my family now, and right now you're not being it."  
I turned and looked at Heather, and said," I just wanna go to sleep. I'm tired."  
Olivia said," I'll tuck you in like I used too if you want."  
I said," It's okay, Heather can do it."

I know what I said hurt Olivia, but at the moment, I didn't care. I wanted to hurt her. I wanted her to know how I felt when I was alone and what it felt like to feel alone and know you weren't.

Olivia went to kiss me goodnight but I pushed her away. She slowly got up and walked to the door. She turned around trying not to cry as she walked out she said," I love you Sarah, good night."  
I turned over as she walked out. Tears slowly poured from my eyes. Heather didn't say anything for a few minutes. She knelt down beside my bed and pulled the covers out from under me.  
She said," Under the covers."  
I slid into the covers and she pulled them up around me.  
She sat there for another minute before she asked," Can you turn over and look at me for a minute?"

I finally did. I had tears pouring from my eyes. She wiped them away and said," It'll be better tomorrow. Olivia is off and you don't have school, and I'll be back. We'll try talking again tomorrow. Good night."  
She kissed my forehead and turned the light off as she walked out.  
I heard her and Olivia talking.

After the apartment got quiet, I got up and turned my light back on. I opened my closet and pulled out the box I had hidden on the back of the top shelve.  
I sat down on the floor and leaned back against my bed. I opened the box slowly. I missed that smell so much. The whole box was filled with it.

Roses…it was the way my mom smelled.

She loved roses. Everything she bought was rose scented, her lotion, soap …her perfume.  
I don't like roses anymore, but I loved that smell.  
It always made me remember the good time. When I was scared at night and crawled into bed with her when I was little, she would wrap her arms around me and I'd drift off to sleep safe in her arms to the smell of roses.  
Pink roses where her favorite ones…she said they smelled the best and they reminded her of me, her only baby girl.

My whole life it had just been mom and me, we were a team, but now it was just me, and I had never been so alone in my whole life.

I pulled out the envelope that held a lock of my hair from my first haircut.  
The box had so many memories that we had shared together, and some I didn't remember other than through stories.  
The hat from the hospital, my first bracelet, the locket she had given me for my third birthday, and the blanket she had made me when I was born.

Olivia didn't know I had any of these things. She never asked about mom. We never talked about my mom.  
I was surprised that she took me to the cemetery for my birthday, but since we had come back, she hadn't said anything about it.

I wanted to talk about my mom, because now it was the only way I had of remembering her.

There weren't any pictures of her out, Olivia said it hurt to much, but I want to see her face. I never want to forget her face.

Tears started down my face and I knew I'd never be able to stop them and I knew she'd hear me since her room was right next to mine.  
I walked down the hall to the bathroom. I shut the door and turned the light on. I pulled the towel off the rack and pulled one out of the closet. I buried my face in the towels and cried.

I sobbed for hours until I fell asleep from exhaustion. I woke up to someone rubbing the side of my face.

I opened my eyes, Heather was sitting on the floor beside me, and Olivia was standing in the doorway.  
Olivia walked over and wet a wash clothe and handed it to Heather. Heather brushed the hair out of my face and pulled the towels away. She wiped my face off with the wash clothe.  
I figured my face was still tear-streaked, because I didn't figure I had been asleep long since the sun had been coming up before I ever fell asleep.  
Heather raised my head up and slid in under me so my head was lying in her lap. She smoothed my hair and asked," How long were you crying?"  
I just looked at her. I didn't want to answer her in front of Olivia. I didn't want Olivia to know about my box. The box was my memory, and I didn't want her to put it away in storage with everything else. I didn't want to forget.  
Olivia didn't leave and Heather sat there waiting for an answer.  
She said," Sit up and look at me."  
I sat up and leaned against the wall opposite of her.  
She said," Why were you crying? Sarah, answer me please."  
I looked down and said," I don't want to forget."  
Olivia sat down beside Heather they were both confused. Olivia asked," Forget what?"  
I said through tears," They're my memories. You can't make me forget her by hiding all of her things. I'll never forget her. I never want to forget her."  
She said," Sarah, I'm not trying to make you forget her. I thought I was making things easier on you by not reminding you everyday about her."  
I said," No, I want to remember her everyday. I want to hear stories about her and see her things. I want to see her picture back on the fireplace where it used to be. I want to see you act like she was your best friend and know that you miss her."

Olivia started to cry. Heather smiled, and I knew she was happy that I had finally told Olivia how I felt.  
Olivia pulled me into her arms and said," Your mom was my best friend and I will never forget her, and I am so sorry that I hurt you. We'll go this afternoon and get some of her stuff to put out in the apartment. Okay?"  
I shook my head yes and hugged her tight.  
Heather said," How about we go get some pancakes?"  
I shook my head yes and she said," Then go get dressed."  
I walked to my room. I felt better. Olivia knew how I felt now. And we were going to be okay, thing had to get better, they had to.


	6. Grounded

We all went out together to eat breakfast. There was less tension now that I didn't have to worry about hiding how I felt from Olivia anymore.

After we had finished eating, we went to the storage building and picked out some of my mom's stuff to put up in the apartment. Those boxes had so many memories in them. I saw Olivia crying, but I didn't say anything.

We carried the stuff back to the house and sat it out where we thought it best belonged.

Olivia put my mom's picture back on the fireplace.

I sat there looking at the picture from the couch. Heather walked up and plopped down in the couch beside me.

She said," I hope you had fun today. I'm proud of you."

I looked at her fighting off tears and said," Thanks."

She wiped a tear that had managed to escape from my eye and said," Things will get better with time; it just takes time. Goodnight, I'll see you tomorrow after school."

I shook my head as she got up to leave.

I stayed there looking at the picture until Olivia appeared in front of me.

She said," It's time to get to bed."

I asked," Can't I stay up a little longer?"

She said," No, now, get to bed. You have school in the morning."

I huffed as I got up and walked to me room. I shut the door behind me and didn't wait for Olivia to pray with me. I slid under the covers and pulled them up tightly around me.

I prayed," watch over Olivia and me. Help Olivia to understand why I still need to talk to my mom. Thank you for sending me Heather to take care of me. Amen."

Then, I turned off the light and went to sleep. I heard my door open a few minutes later but I didn't move. I wanted her to think I had already fallen asleep.

She whispered," Good night, I love you."

Why couldn't she say that more when I was awake. I know everyone thinks she's really tough and thick skinned, and she is, but not as much as most people think. I could probably count on one hand the number of people who had ever seen her cry. Though lately I had seen her cry a lot.

I just want things to be like they used to be, and I want my mom.

I woke up the next morning to Olivia yelling," We're late get up!"

When she didn't hear me moving she opened my door and said," Sarah, let's go or you are going to be late for school, and I'm already running late for work."

I said," It's not my fault you oversleep all the time. I'll be ready when I'm ready."

I don't know why I always snapped at Olivia. She had never really deserved most of it, though some of it she did.

She shot me a look at told me I was in big trouble.

She said," Drop the attitude or you're going to be grounded."

I said," I don't have an attitude. It isn't my fault you're late! I didn't do anything to make you late!"

She started to walk away and I said," I'll be ready when I'm ready."

She turned back around and said," That's it. You're grounded! I don't have the time to dish out your punishment now, but you come home right after school, and Heather will know you're in trouble. I expect to find you sitting on this bed when I get home. Is that understood?"

I walked over to my door and shut it right in her face without ever answering.

Great, now I can't go to the cemetery. Not to mention Heather is not going to be happy with what I said to Olivia.

School was bad, as always, and I was in an even worse mood by the time I got home.

I walked in and Heather was sitting at the table reading a magazine.

She said," Olivia called me."

I knew what she was implying and that she was waiting for my reason as to why I had talked to Olivia that way.

I just turned and walked to my room and shut my door.

Olivia would have just left me alone for a while, but not Heather, she didn't even knock, but just walked right in.

I was sitting at the end of my bed facing the window.

She came in and sat down beside me and asked," Why did you talk to Olivia that way?"

I didn't answer her. She took hold of my chin and turned my head to where I was looking into her eyes and asked again," Why did you talk to her that way?"

I sat looking at her but I never answered.

She got up and walked to my door. She said," When you're ready to talk I'll be waiting."

She walked out and shut the door behind her. I hated being in trouble. Heather being mad at me just made me feel worse.

I had to talk to my mom. I just had to get from my room to Olivia's so I could get down the fire escape.

Right about then I heard Heather's phone ring the familiar tone, it was her husband. I knew she would be preoccupied enough that I could get out now.

I crept down the hall and into Olivia's room.

I opened her window and climbed onto the fire escape.

I was gone a little over an hour. I climbed back up the fire escape and stood up facing Olivia's window.

I jumped when I saw Heather standing there in front of the window.

She stepped out of the way and I climbed in. She looked at me and said," Living room, now."

I walked into the living room with her right behind me.


	7. Secrets Told

**Song is a version I heard of : All Through The Night

* * *

**

She said," Sit down, now!"

I sat down on the couch and looked down at the floor to avoid eye contact. She sat down on the couch beside me and said," You were grounded and you left the house. Where did you go?"

I said," I needed to talk to someone."

She looked at me and said," I was right here, you could have called Olivia, but why did you leave the house to talk to someone?"

I said," I didn't want to talk to you."

She asked," Who did you have to talk to so bad that you couldn't have asked someone first?"

I said as I headed toward my room," my mom." I shut the door quietly and lay down on my bed.

I kept repeating quietly," I wanted to talk to my mom. I needed my mom."

Heather knocked quietly and then opened the door. She came in and sat down on the bed beside me.

She said," I would have taken you if you had asked. Sarah, I will never keep you away from that cemetery if that's where you want to be. I know that you still talk to your mom, that you still feel the need to talk to her."

We sat there quietly for a few minutes then she said," You know I have to tell Olivia, which means you need to explain about where you go in the afternoons."

I said," I can't tell her Heather, she'll never understand."

She said," You have too. She'll never understand if you don't tell her."

We sat in my room without saying anything to each other until we heard the front door open.

Olivia called out," Where are you guys?"

Heather answered," We're in Sarah's room."

Olivia walked in. I was still laying on the bed and Heather was sitting in the same place beside me.

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

_When I walked in, I knew she had done something. The look on Heather's face told me we had to talk. Sarah had never broken a punishment before. She normally did whatever you told her because she hated being in trouble so much, but I knew she had done something. Heather didn't seem to upset about it though so I figured it wasn't something I should be mad about. So I decided to keep my cool.

* * *

_

Olivia asked," What did she do?"

Heather said," Sarah has something about this afternoon she has to tell you."

Heather looked at me urging to go one. I had no idea how to start, or what to say.

I jumped in and said," I snuck out the fire escape while Heather was on the phone because I had to talk to someone."

Olivia said," You left the house using the fire escape, while you were grounded? Sarah who did you have to talk to?"

I looked down and answered quietly," My mom."

Olivia knelled down in front of me and looked up into my eyes. She asked," Why did you have to talk to your mom?"

I said," She understands me like no body else."

Olivia said," Sarah, she's not here. She can't talk to you anymore."

I looked at Heather desperate. Heather said," Tell her Sarah."

Olivia asked," Tell me what?"

I said," She's still here to me. When I talk to her, she answers me. I can feel her answers in my heart. I know what she would have told me to do. She answers me."

She said," If you know what she would have told you then why did you sneak out and go to the cemetery?"

I said," Because I can't hear her here anymore. When she first died I could hear her no matter where I was, but I can't anymore. I have to be there at her tombstone to be able to hear her anymore. I have to be where she is to hear her."

Heather spoke for the first time," Sarah, you know she's not there anymore either. I know you know that. What we need to know is why that exact spot means so much to you."

I said as tears slid down my face," Her body's there. The body that held me when I was scared and rocked me to sleep when I was little. I can hear her singing to me when I'm there."

I looked over out the window and started to sing the song my mom had always sung to me,"

_Soft and drowsy hours are creeping_

_Hill and dale in slumber sleeping,_

_I my loving vigil keeping,_

_All through the night._


	8. Safe In Her Arms

They both got up and left me alone.

I sat there in the floor crying.

* * *

When the accident first happened I could remember every thing about her. The first thing she did in the morning to the last thing at night, but now… I was having trouble remembering how her voice sounded or even what she looked like. I was forgetting, and I hated it.

Heather walked into my room after a little bit and sat down beside me.

She just sat there for a few minutes and finally looked into my eyes and asked," What's bothering you? What are you not telling me?"

I looked at her with tears still streaming down and said," I'm forgetting."

She pulled me into her arms and held me tight. She rocked slowly back and forth until I had calmed down.

Then she whispered," Forgetting certain things is part of growing up, but Sarah you will never forget your mom. Just when you least expect it something will bring back a memory of her… sweetie you will never be without your mom. You don't have to be afraid of that. Okay?"

I shook my head yes.

She kissed my forehead and said," Talk some more to Olivia and I'll see you tomorrow after school."

I said," I'll try. See you tomorrow."

* * *

I didn't want her to leave. She was so much better at talking to Olivia than I was. She knew just what it took to make Olivia understand me.

Olivia walked in a few minutes later. She sat down on the floor beside me and said," We need to talk."

I dreaded those words from her.

She said," Even though Heather has helped me understand why you still need to go to the cemetery, you still where grounded, and you snuck out of the house. So you are still going to be punished for that."

I broke in," Olivia I'm sorry, I'll never do it again, please, I don't want to be in trouble anymore."

She said," I'm sorry too, but you broke the rules so you have to live with the consequences. You are grounded for two weeks from every thing. That means no TV, no phone, no radio, no computer, no friends, and you go to school and you come home. After that you have two weeks of no TV, radio, comp, or friends, but you can leave the house, but only with an adult. Do you understand?"

I didn't look at her I just shook my head.

She said," No, I want you to look at me and tell me that you understand your punishment."

Tears started pouring from my eyes and I looked up and barely got out," Yes."

I ran into the bathroom and shut the door. I pulled the towel off the rack and slid into the corner.

I can't see my mom for two weeks…I hardly go two days without finding myself in the cemetery. I can't believe she's doing this to me. I need my mom still.

The door opened and Olivia walked in.

I curled into the corner. She knelled down in front of me and said," Sarah, I love you. I'm not doing this to torture you. I promise."

She went to hug me, but I pulled away. She fought me until I collapsed into her arms. She held me tight and I lay in her arms crying.

I had never felt like this before, it felt like she really loved me, that no matter what she wasn't going to leave me.

She held me for a long time until I had stopped crying. She said," Sarah, I know things are rough between us, but it will get better with time. We are both still hurting and we deal with it in different ways, I work, and you act out, but we have both got to work on talking about what we are feeling so we can help each other through this, okay?"

I shook my head yes.

She said," Let's eat then we'll talk before you go to bed."


	9. Letting Go

**Thanks for all your comments...**

**just to clear up a few things...she's really not grounded for four weeks, but she is grounded for two and under restriction..or a set of stricter rules for 2 more.

* * *

**

I wasn't dreading talking to her…it felt so strange.

After we had eaten I got ready for bed and went and crawled into bed. Olivia walked in a few minutes later and sat down on the bed beside me.

She said," I know you are frustrated about why I can't understand how you still need to talk to your mom and I don't, but I'm going to try my best to understand you. But I need you to do something for me."

I was afraid of what she would ask. I slowly said," What is it?"

She said," I need you to not break punishment, ever again. And don't leave the house without telling Heather or I where you are going. It's not that I don't trust you, id on't trust other people, okay?"

I said," Now that, I can do. Olivia if I ask a question do you promise not to get mad at me?"

She said," Depends on what you're going to ask."

I asked," Even though I'm grounded for two weeks and under restriction for two more… can I still go to the cemetery if someone goes with me?"

She said," Once you're ungrounded and under restriction, yes, you can go, but not until then."

I said," I thought you were trying to understand why I needed her? How can you do that and keep me from her for two weeks?"

She said," You did something wrong to earn your punishment so don't blame this on me. You are the one who snuck out of the house, you did this to yourself."

I turned away from her and buried my face in the pillow.

She said," Sarah turn over and look at me."

I didn't move I just said," Go away and leave me alone!"

She said," I'm not going anywhere, look at me!"

I got out of bed and ran out of the room, but I didn't stop. I kept running out of the apartment, then out of the building. Olivia was right behind me. I didn't make it a block before she caught me.

I fought to get away from her, but she pinned my arms to my body and picked me up. She turned me around and pinned my arms between my body and hers and cradled me like a little baby, but tightly so I couldn't move and carried me back to the house.

She sat me down in my room and pulled the door shut behind her.

She said as she was leaving," We'll talk more in the morning when you've calmed down."

I sat there on my bed in tears.

Slowly the apartment when dark and I hard Olivia go to sleep.

I quietly crept out of my bedroom. I started towards the front door, but Olivia was asleep on the floor in front of it.

So I quietly crept to her room and out the window.

I went down the fire escape and down to the street where I start my mile and a half walk to the cemetery where my mom was buried.

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

_I thought she would make it longer than a few hours before she broke the rules. She thought I was asleep, but I wasn't. I'm so disappointed in her. I wish she would respect me like she did when her mother was alive. I've been trying to be like her mom…oh no…I've been trying to be like her mom. It's no wonder she hates me, I've been trying to take her moms place instead of helping her remember her mom and just being Olivia like I had been her whole life. I guess she's had a big enough head start now. I better go talk to her.

* * *

_

I knelled down on the ground in front of the tomb stone. I didn't hear Olivia walk up behind me after a few minutes.

I whispered," She grounded me…I know I shouldn't have snuck out…but she isn't the same person she used to be, she's trying to be you…I know you aren't here anymore, but I still need you, and I need Olivia to be who she used to be…kinda a mother, but more of a best friend. I could always tell her things, even the stuff I couldn't tell you. I can't talk to her anymore. She never listens anymore."

Olivia knelled down beside me and said," I'm listening, and I hear what you're saying. I've been so busy trying to be the mom, but you have a mom, a wonderful mom, and right now you just need a friend who will hold you when you cry."

I broke and said," And come home when you say you will."

The look on her face made me think she finally understood why it bothered me so much when she was late.

She said," What do you think about when I'm not home when I sat I will be?"

A tear rolled down my face as I answered," My mom."

She pulled my face up to look at hers and said," You're afraid something has happened to me like what happened to your mom."

I shook my head and said," She was just going to get the cake Olivia, I just wanted a store bought cake, and she said she'd be gone an hour, but she never came back."

Olivia pulled me into her arms and held me tight.

She said," I'm so sorry. I wish you had told me sooner. Let's go home and get some sleep and we'll both play hooky tomorrow and talk okay. We can set some rules for both of us to follow."

I shook my head yes and we walked back to the apartment together.

I woke up the next morning to the smell of pancakes. Olivia was sitting at the table drinking coffee reading the paper.

I sat down beside her.

She leaned over and kissed my forehead and said," Good morning."

I forked a pancake and answered back," Good morning."

We ate then cleaned the table off and sat down with paper and pen to right out the rules.

I said," First rule, if you are going to be home later than you thought call and let the other person know."

Olivia wrote it down then said as she wrote," No leaving the house without telling an adult."

….

We went on for about an hour until we had all the rules written out. Then Olivia said," Okay. For your sake and mine, we are going to make a punishment chart."

I asked," A what?"

She said," A punishment chart that lists consequences to certain actions."

At the end we had come up with two lists and posted them on the refrigerator.

**Rules:**

1. if you're going to be late call someone and tell them

2. no leaving the house without telling an adult

3. must be home by 10, 9 on school nights

4. whatever Heather says goes

5. respect each other

6. no fighting

**Punishment chart:**

1. sneaking out 1 week grounded, 1 week restriction

2. lying no TV 2 days

3. yelling $1 fine in money jar

4. locking door to get away from adult no door for a week

5. any other will be decided according of offense and punishment will be equal to offense.

All in all I thought they were pretty fair. I was hoping this would make life easier, on both of us.


	10. Breaking The Rules

It didn't take long for Olivia to break the rules.

It's already eight thirty and there is still no sign of her. Heather made me dinner and now we're sitting here in the living room in silence waiting for her to get home.

Heather has already told me twice that I have to go to bed. It's already ten, and still no word from Olivia.

Finally Heather said," Okay, let's go Sarah, you have to go to bed. Let's go, now."

I got up and went to Olivia's room.

Heather said," Sarah that's not your room. You need to go to your room and go to bed, now."

I said," No, I'm waiting right here until she finally decides to come home."

She said," Sarah…ok fine. But at least lie down and go to sleep in her bed."

I said," Not until she's home."

I was still sitting in her bed at eight the next morning fighting off falling asleep. Heather had laid down and fallen asleep a little after one.

I finally picked up the phone and walked out of the room.

I called the precinct and asked for Elliot instead of Olivia.

He answered," Detective Stabler."

I asked," Were you working all night?"

He asked," Sarah? Why didn't you ask for Olivia?"

I said," Well I'm grounded so I'm not supposed to use the phone, but Olivia never called to say she'd be late so I waited up all night for her to call or come home."

Elliot said," We were on a case, but we called it quits a little after midnight. Hang on let me go check and see if she's asleep."

He came back a few minutes later and said," Hey, here."

I started to say,"No, I don't want…," but Olivia came on the phone.

She said," You are not supposed to be on the phone."

I said," and you were supposed to call. I waited up all night for you. You didn't call!"

She said," I'm sorry I was busy."

I yelled into the phone right before I hung up," and I was scared!"

* * *

Heather came in and said," You aren't allowed on the phone Sarah."

I said," I was just making sure she was still alive. Seeing as she never called me."

Heather said," It doesn't matter, you are grounded, and you are not allowed to use the telephone. Go to your room. I'll be in there to talk to you in a minute."

I stood up to her. I said," I'm not going to my room until Olivia gets home."

She said," It wasn't a question, go to your room."

I sat down on the couch and didn't move from there.

Heather said," You have until the count of three to get off that couch and into your room before you get into even more trouble. One. Two. Three."

I was still sitting on the couch. Heather grabbed my upper arm and pulled me up off the couch.

She said," I warned you. Go to your room now, and don't come out until I tell you, you can."


	11. Moving On

**I've gotten several comments about Olivia's behavior in the story so let me try to explain my thoughts:**

**Olivia is working so much as a way to deal with her grief; by not coming home she doesn't have to face the biggest reminder that her best friend is gone, Sarah.**

**She being so tough on Sarah because she's trying to keep the same rules and structure that Sarah's mother had.**

**Hope this clears up something, and don't worry…things are going to be getting better soon.

* * *

**

I was still sitting in my room when I heard Olivia come home. I sat there curled into the corner of my bed leaning up against the wall.

Olivia opened my door and sat down on the bed.

I looked over at her and said," You broke the rules too. I didn't know if you were okay or not."

She said," I know. I'm sorry. I was busy."

I asked," Can you do something for me please?"

She said," I'll try."

I said," Don't lie to me anymore. I know I remind you of her, and I know you hate me for that. I'm sorry I look like her."

Tears started streaming down my face. She pulled me into her arms and held me tight.

She kissed my cheek and said," I do not hate you. I will never hate you. Oh Sarah, I love you and I loved your mom. You do remind me of her and it does hurt, but I wouldn't change you for the world. You are beautiful just the way you are, and one day neither of us will hurt like we do now anymore. And when that day comes you will still look like your mom, and that will be okay. Because you are both beautiful."

I said," I'm sorry about what I said to Heather."

She said," Don't tell me, tell her."

Heather walked through the door.

I said," I'm sorry about earlier. I didn't mean it."

She said," Yes, you did. But it's okay to get angry and to be mad, but you need to learn to express it through words and not actions. I won't be mad if you tell me you are mad or angry, but acting out will not be allowed, Okay?"

I said," Okay."

The three of us all hugged each other.


	12. More Important Than Me

**Please read and review and let me know if you want to me continue or just find a way to end it…

* * *

**

We talked for a while and I calmed down a lot more. I hoped now that Olivia and I had aired our feelings that we would be able to get along better now. Heather left that night to go home and Olivia and I went into the kitchen to cook dinner together.

I hadn't cooked with anyone since my mom died and I was having so much fun doing it. Then Olivia's cell phone rang. She looked at me for a minute then she reached down and flipped open her phone.

She said," Can't Munch help you? Heather already left and I'm cooking with Sarah… Elliot I can't leave her home by herself."

She hung up and cut every thing off. She grabbed my coat and hers and said," Come on, I'll grab you something on the way to the precinct."

I complained," But we were going to cook dinner together. And I have school tomorrow and I haven't done my homework."

She looked mad and asked," What? You were supposed to have your homework done right after you get back from school. Go get it now! You can do it while you wait on me. Go."

I ran to my room and grabbed my back pack. I walked out the door, but I was mad at her. I sat down in the back seat of the car behind the driver's seat so she couldn't see me.

She adjusted rear view mirror so she could see me, so I turned around backwards in my seat.

She said," Turn around and buckle up."

I didn't move. Tears were slowly sliding down my face and I just wanted her to spend some time with me.

She said," Sarah, turn around now!"

When I didn't move she got back out of the car and opened my door.

She saw that I was crying, but she was more interested in making me listen to her at the moment.

She picked me up and turned me around. She buckled me up and took hold of my chin and turned my face towards hers.

She said," When I ask you to do something you do, even if you are mad at me. Do I make myself clear?"

I shook my head yes then turned away from her.

She got back in the car and drove to the station.

When we got there I walked in to the sleeping area and lay down on Olivia's bed. I pulled her pillow close and laid there crying. I still had my jacket and my back pack on. Elliot came up to get something and he saw me.

He asked," Why are you crying?"

I said," You interrupted our dinner. She never spends time with me anymore; you are always calling her when we start to do something. Why can't you just leave us alone?"

He knelled down beside me and said," I don't do this on purpose Sarah, this is our job."

I yelled at him as Olivia walked in," She's supposed to take care of me!"

Olivia walked over and pulled me into her arms.

I fought to get away from her, but she just held me tighter.

She said softly trying to calm me down," I'm taking care of you, and I will always take care of you."

She pulled me closer to her and cradled me like I was a baby until I had finally calmed down.

Captain Cragen came up and asked," what's taking so long?"

Olivia said," Just give me one more minute and we'll be going."

Olivia turned and looked at me she said," I will take care of you, and I will take off next Monday when you are out of school and we will cook dinner together and I'll spend all day with you, but tonight I have to work. I called Heather and she's going to come and get you and take you to her parent's house. I expect your homework to all be done by the time she gets here."

She kissed my forehead and then they left.

I sat there for a minute before the tears started to slide down my face again.

I was alone again, but this time there was no one to comfort me.


	13. The Lie

**this song is a version of Celion Dion's The Prayer... I believe this version was on the Disney movie Mulan.

* * *

**

I sat there crying for what seemed like hours even though I knew I had probably only been there for about twenty minutes.

Heather stood in the doorway and said softly," I'm sorry about your dinner."

I said," I should have expected it. She never has time for me anymore there is always something that comes up that's more important than me."

Heather sat down beside me and said," You know that you are the most important thing in the world to her. You know that."

I asked as I got up and walked out of the room," How could I? She's never around."

I walked out to her car and sat down in the passenger seat.

She got in and turned to look at me before she started the car.

She said," I know that you know that she loves you. What I want to know is why you refuse to let yourself love her."

I said," I do love her…"

She asked," But?"

I said," I hate her too. No matter how much she says that she loves me, she is never around to show me. And even when she tries to do things with me her work always gets in the way and for some reason it comes before me… Can we just go please, I don't want to talk anymore."

She drove to her parent's house and said," I had my dad make you a hamburger."

I said as we walked in," I'm not hungry."

I could hear her family talking, but once we walked through the door there was a sitting room with a piano. I sat down in the recliner and didn't move.

Heather went in to help with dinner and give me a little time alone. She came back when dinner was ready and asked," Are you going to come and eat with us?"

I shook my head no and said," I'm not hungry."

She said," Well, you are a guest, so you are going to come and sit at the table with the rest of us while we eat."

I said," It's okay. I'll just sit here."

She said," It wasn't a question. Get up and come sit at the table with the rest of us."

I asked," Can't you just take me back to our apartment and leave me there. Then you can have time with your family without the inconvenience of me."

She said," You are not an inconvenience to me or my family. My parents have been dying to meet you ever since I started staying with you. So get up and let's go eat dinner, please."

I did and after dinner we all played games and even went fishing.

I hadn't had this much fun since before my mom died.

I felt alive again.

When we got back to the house after we were done fishing I did something that I hadn't done since my mom had died.

I went back into the sitting room and sat down at the piano.

I sat there staring at the keys as my mind flashed back.

* * *

**Flashback**

**_I had just turned five and it was my first real piano recital. My mom was so proud of me. I played an easy version of the song A Mother's Prayer. I loved the feeling of accomplishment as I sat on that bench._**

_**End of flashback

* * *

**_

I had worked so hard over the years. I loved to play, and I loved even more how much my mom loved to hear me play.

I wiggled my fingers a little and settled them down on the keys. I heard a knock on the door and Heather answered it. I heard her and Olivia talking.

I closed me eyes and the music began to pour out of my fingers.

Tears slid down my face as I began to sing,"

_I pray you'll be my eyes,_

_And watch her where she goes._

_Help her to be wise,_

_In times when she won't know._

_Every mother's prayer,_

_Every child knows._

_Lead her to a place,_

_Guide her with your grace._

_To a place where she'll be safe_…"

I kept playing but I was crying too hard to sing.

Heather sat down on the stool beside me and slowly rubbed my back.

I fell into her arms crying when I was done.

She held me close and Olivia came up behind me and picked me up.

I held onto her tight.

She said," I love you Sarah. Next Monday we're going to go find you a keyboard you need to keep playing. Come on, let's go home."

Heather kissed my forehead and said," I'll see you tomorrow."

I thought for a minute, I really wanted some time alone, without Heather. I loved having her around and all, but the last few days it seems like I've been torturing her by having her stay with me.

I lied and said," I have a study session with my math group tomorrow after school Olivia can just pick me up when she gets off. We should be done by then."

Heather looked at me for a minute and said," Okay, I'll come by in the morning though to drive you to school."

I said," My friend's mom is going to pick me up and we're going to have breakfast together. Sleep in and have a good day and I'll see you the day after tomorrow."

She was suspicious but said," Okay, I'll see you later."

Olivia took me home and I crawled in bed before she had a chance to say anything.

I heard Olivia leave the next morning. I rolled over and went back to sleep.

I heard pounding on the door a few hours later and then I heard it open.

Heather yelled as the door opened," Get out here now!"

I slammed my door shut and locked it.

She pounded on my door and said," Sarah open the door now!"

When I didn't she got the key and a screwdriver and hammer.

After she had unlocked the door she took it off the hinges and carried it into Olivia's room and stood it against the wall.

I asked," How did you know?"

She said," Your school called. And I called Olivia."

The door to the apartment flew open and Olivia yelled," Sarah, NOW!"

I knew what she meant.

I slowly came out of my room.

I walked up in front of her.

Heather walked up behind me.

Olivia said," No door, two weeks. And I haven't even decided what to do about your skipping school."

I asked," What about my lying?"

Olivia said," Now that is Heather's decision. You lied to her more than me."


	14. Crime And Punishment

I knew I had messed up now.

I looked back at Heather and then back at Olivia.

I asked," Why is work always more important then me until I do something wrong?"

Olivia looked puzzled and Heather's face told me she knew exactly why I had lied.

Olivia asked," What do you mean?"

I looked at Heather and then said," You are always to busy with work until I get into trouble and then you have time for me."

Heather said," Sarah, you can't skip school just because you want to spend time with Olivia. You just can't. And you know you aren't supposed to lie."

Olivia said," Sarah if you want to spend time with me all you have to do is ask."

I yelled," No I Don't! You never listen to me Olivia! You are never here to listen to me."

I turned to walk to my room but instead walked into Olivia's, because I didn't have a door, I turned and said before I shut the door," My mom always had time for me."

I sat down behind the door as tears slowly ran down my face.

I missed my mom so much, but I wanted to be with Olivia.

I love Olivia, but how could she love me. She tells me she loves me, but she never shows it like my mom did.

Sometimes my mom would check me out of school in the middle of the day and we would go have lunch together and go to the movies.

She always did the little things that showed me just how much she loved me.

I still remember those little notes she hid in my suitcase the first time I ever went to a sleep away camp.

Olivia tells me she loves me, but she's never done the little things.

I just want the little things….

Someone knocked on the door and Olivia opened it and walked in.

She sat down on the floor beside me and said," You have to talk to me. We have to talk."

I looked up and asked," Are you ready to listen?"

She said," I have been ready for a long time. Sarah, why won't you tell me what's going on? I've never been responsible for a child before and I must be doing a bad job because it seems like I can never do anything like your mom did."

I said," You're not doing a bad job, well not a really bad job, and you aren't like my mom and you never will be because you aren't her. You're Olivia, my mom's best friend."

We sat there in the quiet for a few minutes and she said," I'm sorry about your mom, and I'm sorry that I haven't been here for you like she would have. But Sarah, Look at me."

I looked up.

She brushed the tears off my face and said," I do love you. I will always love you. You have to tell me what's going on, and if you feel you need more time than you are getting I want you to come tell me 'Olivia, I need some time with you' and as soon as possible I will set aside a time just for me and you. Okay?"

Tears rolled down my face as I said," Okay. Olivia?"

She said," Yeah?"

I asked," Do you think my mom would be mad at me for the way I've been treating you and the things I've done?"

She wrapped her arms around me and held me close and said," Your mom loved you Sarah and she will always love you, until the day you die she's going to love you."

She held me for a few more minutes.

Then she pulled me away and said," Now, about you skipping school."

I looked away.

She said," No, Sarah, look at me. I want you to promise me that you will never, ever do that again. Do you understand?"

I said," Yes ma'am."

She said," Heather's waiting in the living room to talk to you about lying to her, and we'll decided together later about a punishment for skipping school. Now go on and talk to her."

I walked into the living room and sat down on the couch.

Heather sat down on the coffee table in front of me and asked," Why did you lie to me?"

I said," I wanted to get Olivia's attention."

She said," And the other reason is?"

I didn't answer her.

She said," We can sit here all day until you answer me."

I looked away and stared off at the clock on the wall.

Heather took my chin and turned my face back to hers and said," Look me in the eyes and answer me."

I still didn't answer, I just couldn't tell her I wanted a break from her.

What if she left and didn't keep me anymore.

She must have been reading my mind because she asked," Did you want a break from me?"

I looked down.

She said," I'm not going to leave you. I know I'm hard on you, but it's just because I know what all you can do and I don't want you to throw any of that away. Sarah you are a beautiful and talented young girl who has a wonderful person to take care of her. You just gotta let us in. Okay?"

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**Sorry it took so long to update. Hope you like the new chapter and thanks for all the reviews:)**


	15. Things That Matter

I said," I'm afraid to let her in."

Heather looked into my eyes and asked," What are you afraid of Sarah?"

I said," Of loosing myself, or her."

We sat there for a minute and Olivia sat down beside me and asked," How would you lose yourself?"

I said," I can't handle loosing anyone else. I couldn't make it if I did. I couldn't pick up the pieces of my life and carry on again. I just can't."

She said," Sarah, I'm not going anywhere."

I got up and walked towards my room.

I turned back and said," Olivia, you can't even go to work without carrying a gun."

I crawled into my closet and shut the door. I turned on the light and pulled my box out from it's new hiding place.

I opened the box and took of deep breath of the smell I missed so much.

I sat wondering what I would put in a box if anything ever happened to Olivia.

What had she left behind for me to keep to remember her by?

We had never done anything together like I had with my mom.

I didn't have any notes written on napkins that were tucked into my lunch box.

There was only one picture of us together and it was one my mom had taken when I was small.

The truth was there was nothing I could put into a box if anything ever happened to Olivia.

I was already having problems remembering my mom even with this box, how would I remember Olivia without one?

Olivia knocked on the door of my closet and opened it before I had had a chance to hide box.

She asked," What's that? I smell…roses…"

I could tell she knew what it was so I just looked at her for a second before I asked the question I had just finished asking myself.

I asked," What would I put in your box if you don't come home one day?"

She asked," Sarah, why are you even thinking about this?"

I said," Because I lost my mother and you are all I have and you leave me everyday to go chase people who hurt other people. I have no promises that at the end of the day you are going to come home."

Olivia said," Sarah, I will come home from work. I will always come home to you."

I said," Olivia you're a cop. You are in danger every day you go to work. My mother went out to get a birthday cake and never came back. I almost expect for one day Heather to tell me you're not coming home. But what I want to know is what I'm going to put into your box once you're gone."

She asked," What did you put in your mom's"

I said," Pictures, notes, perfume, and my memories."

She said," Then that's what you would put into mine, but you will never need to."

I said," I wouldn't have any of those things anyway, you don't have time for things like that."

She looked me dead in the eyes and asked," Things like what?"

I said as I looked back and a tear rolled down my face," The things that really matter."


	16. She Forgot Me

I didn't say a word to Olivia when I woke up the next morning.

We sat through breakfast without me ever even looking up at her.

Olivia had just started to say something when the apartment door opened and Heather walked in.

She asked," Are you ready for school?"

I grabbed my books and walked out the door. I didn't even bother to put my bowl in sink.

When I got in the car Heather asked," Did you talk to Olivia?"

I said," I did last night."

She asked," What about this morning?"

I said," I had nothing else to say to her."

Heather started the car and said," you can't leave it at what you said last night. Sarah you have to keep talking to her."

I said," Can you just take me to school please."

She started to drive off and said," Talk to her."

When we got to school Heather said," I'll meet you right here when you get out at two-thirty. Don't make me have to wait on you."

Two-thirty came and went and Heather wasn't there. I sat on the steps in tears. Heather had never forgotten me, ever.

My teacher called Olivia.

Olivia tried to get a hold of Heather but only got her voice mail.

Olivia's car pulled up in front of the school.

I didn't move from the steps where I was still sitting there crying.

Olivia got out and sat down on the step beside me.

She brushed a tear away from face and pulled me into her arms.

Her phone rang and it was Heather. I could hear her apologizing and asking to talk to me.

Olivia handed me the phone and I closed it without ever saying anything into the phone.

Olivia hugged me and asked," Do you want to go home and meet Heather or do you want to go to the station until I get off?"

I said," Go with you."

She led me to the car.

I didn't say a word to her the entire way to the station.

I was so mad at Heather for forgetting me.

I walked up and crawled into Olivia's bed.

I laid there as the tears started flowing down my face again.

Olivia walked up and sat down on the floor so she was looking into my eyes.

She brushed the hair back away from my face and kissed my forehead.

She asked," Are you more upset that she forgot you or that they had to get me to come and get you?"

I said," She forgot me. How could she forget me?"

Olivia said," She just lost track of time. Sometimes that just happens. Sarah you know that Heather loves you. And you know that I do too."

I shook my head yes.

She said," come on, let's go get you some kind of junk food from the vending machines to hold you over until we get home. Heather is there making dinner."

I said," I don't want her there."

She said," We need to eat and you have to talk to her."


	17. She Never Came To Get Me

**sorry it took so long to update...hope you like it. please R&R**

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I knew I wouldn't win the argument, but I said," Can't we just go out to dinner?"

She said," if we go out Heather is coming with us."

I asked," Can't it just be us?"

She said," You are not getting out of talking to her. Sarah, you have to at least listen to her."

I said," Like you always listen to me?"

She said," Sarah, loose the attitude. We are working on learning to talk to each other. You have to talk to Heather and tell her how it felt to be forgotten."

I said," Olivia, I don't want to talk to her."

She said," I know you don't want to, but I'm telling you that you have to. Now get to work on your homework and we'll head out in an hour or two."

I did my homework until she came to get me. She said," Come on, let's go home."

I walked out to the car and we drove home. When she parked I didn't get out of the car. We were parked beside Heather's car. She looked over at me and took my hand.

She said," Tell her Sarah. Don't keep it locked up inside."

I finally got out of the car and she followed me up to the house.

Heather was standing at the stove stirring spaghetti sauce.

Olivia walked over and took the spoon.

I walked back to my room and shut the door; knowing exactly what they were doing.

I heard a soft knock on the door.

I called out," Go away, I don't want to talk to you."

She opened the door and said," Fine, you don't have to talk to me, but you do have to listen."

She sat down in my desk chair and leaned down with her elbows propped on her knees and her head propped on her hands. I was laying on my bed.

She said," I'm sorry."

I said," You forgot me."

She said," I know, and I'm so sorry. I know that you are mad at me for forgetting you."

I said quietly," I was scared."

She asked," Why were you scared?"

I sat up the top of my bed as far away from where she was sitting as I could. I didn't want her to touch me or be anywhere near me at the moment.

I said," I've had to wait like that before…"

Heather started to get up, but I said," No, stay there."

She said," Sarah, were you afraid something had happened to me?"

Olivia walked into the doorway.

I said," My mom was supposed to pick me up that day. I normally took the bus, but it was getting close to my birthday so she wanted to start shopping for my party. I sat there for hours, but she never came. Finally Olivia came, and she told me that there had been an accident. My mom promised she would never leave me, but I sat on the steps for hours and she never came back. I thought the same thing had happened to you, and Olivia came again."

Heather got up and sat down beside me.

She reached out and wrapped me in a hug.

She said," I'm sorry that I scared you. I never meant to do that to you. Sarah, I love you, I would never do anything to hurt you. Okay?"

A tear slipped down my face and I shook my head yes.

She said," Okay, let's go eat dinner, it's getting late."

We sat down together and ate dinner.

After dinner I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth. When I hadn't come out after about twenty minutes; Heather knocked on the door.

When she went to open it I had locked the door.

I heard her and Olivia talking.

After about five minutes the door opened.

I was sitting in the corner with my face buried in a towel crying. The water in the sink and the tub was running.

Olivia turned off the water in the sink and Heather turned it off in the tub.

Olivia sat down beside me and pulled me into her arms. Heather sat down on the other side and pulled the towel away from my face. I turned and hid my face in Olivia's shoulder.

We sat there on the floor with me crying in her arms without saying anything.


	18. He Hurt Me

**WARNING! this chapter is rated T for subject matter.**

**Please R&R.

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Finally Heather said," Sarah, listen."

I looked over at her.

She said," I'm going on vacation with my family for two weeks, so it's just going to be you and Olivia and I think Olivia has a surprise for you. Have a good two weeks and I'll see you when I get back. Okay?"

I shook my head yes and she got up to leave.

After she had left Olivia said," So the surprise… I got a call from your step dad yesterday. He wants to spend some time with you. So while Heather's out of town he's going to stay with you in the afternoon."

I started to shake me head no, but Olivia said," He wants to spend time with you."

I got up and walked to my room.

If she only knew why my mom had kicked him out, and she was about to give me right back to him.

Why didn't my mom tell Olivia about him? Why didn't she tell her?

Olivia wouldn't believe me; she would say I was making it up so I wouldn't have to stay with him.

Maybe he's changed…maybe he's not like he used to be.

I prayed silently to God," Please don't let him be like he used to be. Please, I don't want things to be like they used to be…I don't want him to hurt me."

The next day after school he was standing outside the doors waiting on me.

His face brought back so many bad memories, so much anger.

I rode silently all the way back to our apartment.

I had myself shut up in my room when Olivia got home.

He hadn't changed. He was the same way he was when my mother had kicked him out years before.

I heard them talking.

I heard him say," She wouldn't listen to me this afternoon, so she got punished…she's in her room."

I hadn't done anything wrong, other than refuse to…

Tears started down my face. Now he was going to make Olivia mad at me too.

I feel sick… dirty.

Olivia knocked on my door and opened it.

I was lying on the bed facing the wall.

She sat down beside me and asked," Why are you causing him problems on the first day?"

I said," I didn't do anything wrong."

She said," He said you did. Come on let's go eat."

I said," I'm not hungry. Eat without me."

Every day after school was the same. He waited right outside the door of my school for me and then we went home, and I was punished.

It didn't matter if I had done anything wrong or not; I was punished.

Finally by Friday I couldn't take it anymore, so I fought back.

He was so much stronger than me.

He swung back and punched me right in the face.

Then he did the same thing he had done every day… he molested me.

When he was done he walked out of my room.

He told Olivia when she got home that I had caused major problems today, and that I had even gotten in a fight at school.

Olivia came into my room expecting to talk to me and sign a paper from my principal, or find out that I had been suspended or something.

I was lying on the bed hugging my knees and rocking as I cried.

Olivia said," Your step dad said you got in a fight at school. Where's the note I have to sign?"

I said without looking up," There's no note."

She said," The last few times you've gotten in trouble you had a note where is it?"

I said," I didn't get in a fight at school. I didn't get in trouble, I promise."

She said," We can talk after dinner. Come on."

I said," I don't feel good… I'm going to be sick."

I ran to the bathroom and had barely gotten to the toilet before I threw up.

Olivia came in. She saw my face and asked," Sarah, what happened to your face?"

Tears started pouring from my eyes.

She asked," Who hit you?"

I didn't answer I just threw up again.

Olivia took her cell phone out and called Elliot.

She hung up and asked," Are you hurt anywhere else?"

I laid my head on my arm, which was draped across the toilet seat and shook my head yes.

She asked," Where else?"

I didn't answer her I just cried harder.

She sat there for a minute then she said," Oh, God, Sarah, did he hurt you? Did he touch you?"

I shook my head yes as she pulled me into her arms.

There was a knock on the door a few minutes later and Elliot came in.

Olivia called out," We're in the bathroom. Elliot we have to get her to the hospital, and get CSI out here to check her room."

Elliot asked," Why?

Olivia said," Her step father molested her."

She picked me up and started to carry me out, but I started to cry harder and said," No, I don't want to go to the hospital, not again."

She kept carrying me out. Elliot called Fin, Munch and Cragen and they came to Olivia's apartment, and we went to the hospital in an ambulance.

Olivia laid me down on the gurney and asked," How many times did he hurt you?"

I said through my tears," Every day."

She brushed the tears away from my face as they started down hers and asked," Why didn't you tell me?"

I said as tears fell again," I didn't think you would believe me."

She said," I will never doubt you on something like that. I never want you to be afraid of telling me when someone is hurting you."

I shook my head yes and said," Okay."

We went to the hospital and they examined me.

Olivia never left my side.

They admitted me for the night.

I laid there in the bed trying to stop crying, but I couldn't.

Olivia asked," What's bothering you?"

I said," I can't sleep. I'll have the nightmares again."

She asked," What if I lay down with you?"

I shook my head yes and moved over.

She laid down beside me and covered us both up. She wrapped her arms around me and held me close to her.

She whispered as I fell asleep," You're safe. No one is going to hurt you. I will never let anyone hurt you."


	19. Never Hurt You Again

I woke up the next morning in Olivia's arms.

She said," Morning, do you want to go home?"

I asked," Where is he?"

She rubbed my hand reassuringly and said," He will never hurt you ever again. I promise. Okay?"

I said," Okay."   
She handed me my clothes and said," I'll go sign the papers and we'll get you out of here."

I got dressed and sat there waiting on her. She came back into the room and said," Come on sweetie, let's go home."

We walked out together. When we got home I walked up to my bed room door, but I stopped.

She asked," What?"

I said," I can't go in there. I can't."

She pulled me away from the door and pulled me into a hug. She reached back and shut the door.

She said," It's okay. You don't have to go in there right now. You can sleep in my bed. It's okay."

I held onto her tight.

She said," You're safe. It's okay. No one is ever going to hurt you like that again. I will never let anyone hurt you like that again."

We spent the entire day at home together watching movies.

That night I started to get ready for bed. I couldn't go anywhere near my room.

Olivia went in and got my pjs and brought them out to me.

I changed in the bathroom.

When I didn't come back she knocked and opened the door.

I was sitting on the floor hugging my knees.

She sat down and pulled me into her arms.

I was shaking.

She held me tighter up against her and said," Sweetie you are safe here. No one is going to hurt you. Come on let's get some sleep."

When I didn't move she picked me up and carried me to her room.

She laid me down on bed and laid down beside me.

She laid there rubbing my back until I had finally fallen asleep.

We were both exhausted when we got up the next morning.

She rubbed my cheek to wake me up and said," Come on, you can come to work with me, but I'm not leaving you here alone. Come on. I already got your clothes from your room. They're in a pile in the bathroom."

I changed clothes and came out.

We went into the precinct and I sat down at Olivia's desk.

Elliot asked," How are you Sarah?"

I shook my head no and didn't answer him.

Olivia asked," What's wrong?"

I pointed to a door.

My dad sat behind a table.

Olivia asked," What is he doing still here?"

Elliot said," I don't know. I'll go find out."

Olivia said," Sarah, come on sweetie. Come here."

She took my hand and pulled me up and walked me out and up to the crib. She sat me down on the bed as I burst into tears.

She held me close and said," It's okay Sarah. He's only here so that we can make sure he never hurts you again. You don't have to see him. It's okay."

She held me close and I sobbed," I saw him. He is downstairs! He's in the same building!"

Olivia said," He's not going to hurt you. I will never let him ever hurt you. Okay, I swear he will never hurt you again."

I shook my head yes as Elliot walked into the room.


	20. Testify

Elliot said," They're taking him now to arraign him. Sarah, you know that you are going to have to tell other people like the judge and the jury what happened, and he is going to be in the room."

I panicked and looked at Olivia and said," I can't Olivia, I can't do that. I can't face him again. I'm not strong enough."

Olivia held my hands and said," Yes you are, and you can do it. You are strong. You stood up to him once Sarah. You can do it again, and this time there will be other people there to stand up with you. Okay?"

I sat there as tears rolled down my face.

Finally I laid down and turned away from her.

I hear someone else come into the room. It was Casey the ADA.

She asked Olivia," How's she doing?"

Olivia said," Not so good. She doesn't want to testify."

Casey walked around the bed and knelled down beside the bed. She asked," What scares you the most about testifying?"

I said quietly," Seeing him again."

Casey asked," What if you didn't have to see him, would you do it then?"

I shook my head and asked," But how?"

Olivia sat down behind me and Casey said," There's a law where you can testify to the judge in front of a camera with only me and the other lawyer and you won't even have to see him. Will you do that?"

I shook my head yes. She said," Okay, I'll file the motion. Get some rest. I'll talk to you later."

She left and Olivia said," Look at me."

I rolled over and looked at her.

She wiped the tear away and said," I'm proud of you, and your mom would be too."

I looked away and hugged the pillow and whispered," I'm not so sure."

Olivia said," I'll be back to check on you later. Come find me if you need me or ask the Captain. Okay?"

I said," Okay. Can we go out for lunch?"

She said," Not today. I'm on call. Maybe tomorrow. Your school work is in my bag in my locker. Please make sure you get it all done and we'll work on what you don't know later."

She went down stairs. By lunch I was hungry. I took money out of Olivia's purse and caught the subway down to Little Italy. I ate at my favorite restaurant and then headed back up to the precinct.

Elliot ran into me and asked," Where were you? Olivia is mad."

I said as Olivia walked up behind me," I was hungry I went to get lunch."

Olivia asked," What do you think you were doing?"

I said," I was hungry."

She said," I don't care. You never go out into the city by yourself and you certainly don't leave without telling someone you are leaving. Kasey has been waiting on your for an hour. Where did you go?"

I answered knowing full well I was going to be into even more trouble when she found out where I had been," Little Italy."

She didn't know what to say at the moment that wouldn't start a fight so she just said," Let's go. You have to talk to Casey. I'll deal with you later."

I hadn't even looked at my homework.

Olivia saw my folder in the same place and asked," Did you have any questions about your homework?"

I said," No, not one."

She asked as we walked out to the car," Did you finish your homework?"

I said," No not yet."

She said as we got in the car," I asked you to be finished; did you even start?"

I said quietly," No."

She said," So not only did you leave the station and go by yourself to Little Italy, but you also didn't finish your homework. Sarah, you know you are in trouble?"

I said," I had a feeling."

She said," When we get home you go to your room and I'll be there to talk to you after I get dinner started."

I begged," No, Please…"

She said," Sarah, not arguments."

I said," I don't want to go into my room. Please. I'll do anything, but I don't want to go in there."

She said," I know you don't, but you can't hide in my room for the rest of you life. There is nothing in there that is going to hurt you. Go to your room."

She stopped the car after we had parked and I climbed out and ran up to our apartment.

I unlocked the door and ran to the bathroom and shut and locked the door. I sat there in the floor crying.

Olivia knocked and said," I just want to talk to you. You can stay in here, but I want you to open the door."

I unlocked the door and she came in and ushered me over to the bathtub and we sat down on the edge by each other.

She said," I was worried when I didn't know where you were when I came up to take you out to lunch."

I asked about to cry," You were going to take me out for lunch? I thought you said we couldn't because you had to work."

She turned my chin to look at her and said," You are more important that work. I know it has taken me a while to learn that, but you are what matters most. Right now you are having a hard time and I need to be there for you."

I said with a smile," Elliot talked to you didn't he?"

She laughed at me and asked," How did you guess?"

I said," He has kids… he understands the job doesn't always come first."

She said," Let's eat and then get to bed, I have the day off tomorrow and we're going to go do some stuff together."

After we had eaten I changed in the bathroom and brushed my teeth.

Olivia met me at the bathroom door as I came out. She said," Come on. I'll tuck you in."

When she walked towards my room I stayed back.

She said," I'll stay with you until you fall asleep. There is nothing in here that will hurt you. I will never let anything in here again that could hurt you. Come on."

I slowly followed her into the room. I laid down on my bed and pulled the blankets up tight. I cried until I had finally fallen asleep.

I woke up and Olivia was sleeping on the floor beside me. I gently woke her up and said," Thank you for staying with me."

She said," You're welcome. I wish that you felt safe in here though. You're bedroom should be your safe haven and I let someone take it away. I'm sorry."

I said," I let him too. I could have told you about him before, but I didn't. I let him do it to me. I didn't tell you, and they're going to bring that up in court. I know they will. They're going to blame it on me."

She took both my hands and said," No, no they won't. I will not let them. This was not your fault. Don't you ever let anyone tell you that it was. Okay?"

I shook my head yes.


	21. You Can't Protect Me

**REVISED

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I asked," How are you going to stop them from blaming me? Olivia how?"

She said," the judge won't let them blame you. You didn't do anything wrong. Sarah look at me, look at me."

I looked up at her.

She said," You didn't do anything wrong."

She hugged me and we sat there for a few minutes before she said," Come on let's eat breakfast and I'll drop you off at school."

I called her at ten crying into the phone," Olivia come get me. Please."

She asked," Sarah, what's wrong?"

I said," He's here."

Elliot was there before Olivia.

He knelled down in front of me and asked," Where did you see him?"

I said through sobs," He was staring at me through the window. He was outside the window of my classroom. Elliot, he's mad."

Olivia came running in. She pulled me into her arms and said," It's okay. We're here and we are not going to let anything happen."

I said," He's mad at me Olivia, he came to get me."

Casey walked in. She asked," What's going on?"

I said," You promised that he couldn't hurt me anymore, but he came to my school."

Casey said," And you did the right thing calling us. He will not see you again, because he will be in jail until his trial for breaking a restraining order."

Olivia looked at me and said," Okay? Are you okay?"

I said," No, I'm not okay. He came to my school to get me. Your papers won't protect me from him, they never have. Will you take me home?"

She said," Yeah, come on."

Once we got in the apartment I picked up the phone and walked into the bathroom and locked the door.

I dialed Heather's number and it rang until her voice mail picked up. I said through tears in my voice," Heather, I really need to talk to you. Please call me."

I sat there in the corner of the bathroom for two hours waiting for Heather to call me back. Olivia kept trying to talk to me but I wouldn't listen.

Finally the phone rang.

I yelled," I got it."

I answered," Hello?"

Heather asked," What's up?"

I asked," when are you coming back?"

She said," In three days, why?"

I said as tears broke apart my voice," my dad…"

She knew about my dad and asked," What about him? Sarah, what about your dad?"

I said as I began to sob," That was Olivia's surprise. My dad came to stay with me for a week."

She asked," Did he touch you?"

She got an answer of just sobs from my end of the line.

She said," Sarah, did you tell Olivia?"

I said," Yes."

She said," Okay, go give the phone to Olivia."

I said," No, I'm mad at her."

She asked," Why?"

I didn't answer her.

There was a knock on the door.

I said into the phone as I opened the door," Because she can't protect me."

Then I handed the phone to Olivia before she could say anything back.


	22. Break Through

**REVISED**

**thanks for you thoughts svurookie. After careful consideration...I have made a few changes to ch. 21 and 22. Hope this makes things a little better.

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**Hey everyone…thanks for you reviews.**

**Now to explain a little of my thinking behind Olivia's behavior. Yes I know that she's a little out of character, but think about it. Yes she's good at talking to kids on their level, but a minister could talk to other people's kids about drugs and sex, but when it comes to his own kids it is still harder. This is my thinking with Olivia, she's just having a harder time figuring out what to say to Sarah. It should start to get a little better in the next few chapters. Just wait and see.**

There was a knock on the door after a while.

I said," I don't want to talk."

The door opened and Olivia said," I do."

She went to sit down beside me, but I got up and walked out of the room.

Olivia gently grabbed my arm before I made it to my room.

I stopped, but I stayed facing into my room.

Olivia slowly pulled me around.

I looked down at my feet.

She said," Please look at me Sarah."

I didn't look up, but tears were rolling down my face.

She gently lifted my chin.

I looked away from her as tears poured from my eyes.

She asked," Why won't you talk to me?"

I started to pull away as I began to sob.

She pulled me up to her and held me tightly up against her.

I broke down in her arms.

She held me close while I cried.

After a while, she asked," Are you ready to talk yet?"

I asked," Can I just go lay down?"

She said," Please talk to me."

I shook my head and tried to pull away from her.

She held me close and said," I won't let him hurt you again. I promise."

I started to cry hard again.

She held me tight and said," I promise I'll never let him hurt you again."

We stood there in the hall together for what seemed like an hour, but was probably only about ten minutes before she gently pulled away and asked," Do you want to eat something?"

I shook my head no.

She said," You haven't eaten anything today. Come on sweetie."

I shook my head no and headed into my room.

She took my hand and said," No, Sarah, you can't keep ignoring me, we have to talk. You have to talk to me."

I said as I tried to get away," I can't."

She asked," Why? Why can't you talk to me?"

I just shook my head and continued to try and get away from her.

She said," Not good enough anymore. You have to tell me what's going on. I'm lost Sarah, what's wrong?"

I said as I pulled away from her," You can't protect me Olivia! You didn't protect me!"

She grabbed for my arm and said," I know I didn't protect you. I'm sorry. I promise I will never let you be hurt by him again. I'll never let him hurt you."

It was one of the few times I had ever seen her cry. I knew that she meant it.

I hugged her and she held me tight.

She whispered," I'm sorry Sarah."

I said," Olivia,… I love you."


	23. Learn to Talk

She just held me. I hadn't expected for her to say she loved me back, but I knew she did.

I felt so much better, I wasn't alone.

I knew Heather would be back so I could talk to her, and I felt like I could talk to Olivia too.

She understood, some how she understood how much I was hurting and how much I really needed her.

She kissed my forehead and said with giving up," Come on. Let's go get you something to eat."

I shook my head and said," I'm really not hungry Olivia. I just want to lie down."

She finally gave in and said," Okay, I'll come check on you later."

I went into my room and pulled the door to.

I pulled my journal out from in between the mattress and sat down on the floor by my bed to write.

_My dad came back, and he hadn't changed. I didn't tell Olivia though. I think maybe I thought she wouldn't believe me. I mean she goes to work everyday and works with victims and perps, and she let one into our house without ever knowing it. I think she blames herself for what happened to me, but I let it happen too. I could have told her, I could have made her believe me…She would have believed me. Something like that, she would have believe me. I finally told her that I loved her. She didn't say she loved me back, but I know that she does. Maybe, never mind, no maybe we could talk more. I'm not very good at talking. My mom and I used to talk all the time. She knew everything about me. That's why I don't talk to Olivia. I can't let anyone into me that deep again, it hurts to much once they're gone…_

There was a soft knock on my door. I slid my journal under my bed andsaid," Come in."

Olivia opened the door. She had a sandwich on a plate. She sat it down on the desk and said," I brought you this. Are you okay?"

I said," Yeah, I'm fine."

She looked at me for a minute and then sat down beside me on the floor.

She looked over at the picture of my mom and asked," Do you want to go see your mom tomorrow?"

I was surprised. We hadn't been to the cemetery in a while.

I answered," Yeah, I'd really like to go."

Olivia said," Okay, We'll go after you get out of school tomorrow."

She got up to leave, but I asked," Olivia?"

She turned back and asked," Yeah?"

I said," Can I not go to school tomorrow?"

She said," You need to be in school. Why don't you want to go?"

I said," I can't explain to my friends what happened today."

She sat back down beside me and asked," Why don't you tell them the truth. If they're your friends they'll understand, and they'll probably want to help. Sarah, I know your friends, they would want to know what's going on."

I said," I know, but how do I tell them something like that. I could barely even tell you."

She said," I know… I've been thinking about that too. What about if we found someone to help us talk to each other?"

I asked," Like a shrink?"

She said," Like someone who can help us learn to always talk to each other."

I asked," Can I get back to you?"

She looked at me for a minute and said," Just think about it. I think it will be good for you and for me. We still have a lot of learning to do."

She got up to leave and pulled the door to behind her.

I pulled my journal back out.

_Learn to talk to each other? That could be good, but I don't know. My mom knew every thing about me and we were so close to each other. I wanted to die with her. I wanted us to always be together. That saying parents are never supposed to bury their children. I think it's a child should never have to bury their parents. I have Olivia, but she's a cop. My mom just worked an everyday job and she still died. Olivia carries a gun just to go to work. I already love her, but if we get close and I loose her too. I'll really be alone. I don't want to be alone again. I just want to be a normal kid with parents who love them. What am I saying…Olivia does love me. She does. I think I'm fighting it in a way though…when I let her love me, I can be hurt. I can't handle any more hurt in my life. Maybe we should learn to talk to each other. My mom would have wanted us to talk to each other. My mom would have wanted us to love each other and move on. I need to move on. I think I'm going to tell my mom good-bye tomorrow and then not go back for a while._

There was another knock on the door, I hadn't realized an hour had passed. Olivia opened the door.

She asked," Still not hungry?"

I said out of no where," I'm going to tell my mom good-bye tomorrow."

She asked as she sat down beside me," What made you decide that?"

I said," you."

She asked," What did I say that made you decide that?"

I said," That we should learn to talk to each other. You were right. She would want us to be able to talk to each other. She would want me to move on."


	24. Saying Goodbye

Olivia sat there for a minute before she said," I'll make an appointment for tomorrow around lunch. We'll sleep in and then go see your mom, get some lunch and then go there."

I asked," What about school?"

She said as she got up and picked up the plate," We have more important things to do tomorrow. You can go back on Monday. Good night Sarah."

I smiled and said," Night Olivia."

She shut my door on her way out. I changed clothes and laid down in my bed.

I pulled my covers up close and slowly drifted off to sleep.

That night I wasn't haunted by my dreams.

_Right after I had fallen asleep it seemed like I was waking up on the beach. The warm white sand under my body and the low rumble the waves made when they crashed against the shore. I sat up and saw a woman walking along the beach a few hundred yards away. Her long hair was blowing gently in the breeze. She walked tall, strong, and confident. I heard her singing something, but I couldn't make out the words over the waves. The closer she came I could understand the words. I closed my eyes and listened to her voice," Hush now my baby, be still Love don't cry. Sleep like you're rocked by the stream. Sleep and remember my lullaby. And I'll be with you when you dream." That song, the song from my childhood. It was the only way I would go to sleep. She always rocked and sang to me. When I got older she made a tape of the song and I listened to in the darkness of my room. The night she died was different; she came in and sang the song to me herself. I never knew why. Maybe she knew she was only going to have one last time to sing to me. When she was close enough I saw her face. It was my mom. She sat down beside me and kept singing," Drift on a river that flows through my arms. Drift as I'm singing to you. I see you smiling so peaceful and calm and holding you I'm smiling too. Here in my arms safe from all harm, holding you I'm smiling too. Hush now my baby be still love don't cry sleep like you're rocked by the stream; sleep and remember this river lullaby and I'll be with you when you dream. Here in my arms safe from all harm holding you I'm smiling too. Sleep and remember this river lullaby and I'll be with you when you dream. Sleep and remember this river lullaby and I'll be with you when you dream. I'll be with you when you dream." She looked at me and then she kissed my forehead and got up and walked away as she continued to sing the last lines of the song," Sleep and remember this river Lullaby and I'll be with you when you dream…" I listened until the waves drowned out her song and then she disappeared into the distance. I whispered," Good bye mom." It was like she was standing right beside me when I heard clear as day," I still love you the mostest. Good-bye my love."_

I woke up so peacefully the next morning and walked out into the kitchen.

I sat down across from Olivia and said," I dreamed about my mom."

She asked," Was it a good dream?" She knew I had had nightmares since the accident that took my mom's life.

I shook my head and said," She was singing me that song she always sang…The River Lullaby. Then she walked away down the beach. I whispered good-bye when I couldn't see her anymore and I heard her voice answer back."

Olivia smiled and asked," What did she tell you?"

I said," She still loves me the mostest."

We both laughed. My mom had been telling me that my whole life and I had even gotten in an argument with a teacher in school when I was younger for writing it on a card we had to make. I said it was right, she said it was wrong, and my mom took my side. Then she sat down and explained to me at home that, that was our special word that not everyone would understand.

Olivia said," I never figured out where she got that word from. She told you that the day you were born, so maybe the painkillers where what led to the word, or maybe it was just that there were no words to describe how much she loved you."

I smiled and said," She was different than most."

Olivia laughed and said," That she was, but she always knew what to say at just the right time. It was like she could take one look at you and see into the deepest part of your soul. She could tell me things about why I did things before I even knew why I did them. She understood me more than anyone I ever knew."

I said," sometimes I didn't even have to say anything and she would know, and it wasn't always a good thing."

We laughed at the memories, then Olivia asked," You ready to head out?"

I shook my head yes and went and put on my shoes before we headed out the door. We rode quietly to the cemetery. We walked together to the tombstone that marked the spot where my mother lay. We sat down beside each other on the ground. I didn't say anything. I wasn't sure what I could say.

Olivia broke the silence," I promise to always take care of her like you did. I know she misses you; I can see how much she's hurting to be with you. I know I'm not always the mother you were, but I'm trying my best and doing the best with what we have. Things will get better. Don't worry. We'll be okay. I'll take really good care of your baby. I still love you the mostest…you're my best friend…"

I looked over and saw the tears rolling down her face. I realized she had never said good-bye to my mom either. Olivia had known my mom longer than I had.

They had been best friends since high school. My mom was thirty six when she died and they first became friends when my mom was only 15…wow…I never realized how long they had known each other and how much Olivia must miss having my mom to talk to, for twenty one years all she had to do was pick up the phone and call her and my mom would listen about dating problems and work and life's struggle in general.

Now there wasn't anyone to call about what to do when I failed an English paper and she didn't know what to do. She got me and she lost her anchor.

It was like I was this new boat and she didn't have anybody to help hold me down and steer me the way I was supposed to go. We were in this alone; we had to help each other, because each other is all we had.

I leaned down so close to the stone I could feel the coolness from the stone. I brushed the debris off her name," Annie Elizabeth" tears slipped from my eyes as I kissed her name and said," Good bye mommy. I'll always love you the mostest." Then I pulled myself together and we got up and walked away together.

When we got back into the car we sat there for a minute before Olivia turned to look at me. She said," I have something important to tell you. I know you've wanted to hear it for a long time and I'm sorry it's taken this long, but…"


	25. Talking

I sat there waiting in the silence before she said," Sarah…I love you."

I didn't know what to do. I reached out and hugged her. I whispered into her ear," I love you to Olivia."

We held each other for a minute and then she drove us to eat. We went to my mom's favorite restaurant as a way of saying our final goodbye. We both ordered the same thing, my mom's favorite dish. We ate as we talked about my mom and our memories of our lives before the accident. Every thing had changed, and yet things were the same. She was there for me and I still had her; I just had to learn to talk to her.

We finished eating and then headed to see Dr. Elizabeth Olivet.

She had worked with Olivia on several cases and Olivia said I would like her.

We walked into a cozy room and I sat close to Olivia not knowing exactly what to expect.

Dr. Olivet came in and pulled a chair up in front of us.

She said hi to Olivia then turned to me and said," Hi Sarah, my name is Dr. Olivet, but how about you call me Elizabeth."

She said," Olivia came because she wants the two of you to be able to communicate with each other better than you do now. Sarah, What do you miss the most about your mom?"

I thought for a minute, then I looked over at Olivia and said," The everyday stuff."

She asked," What kind of everyday stuff?"

I said," The cookies and the notes she used to hide in my lunchbox, and the way she was always home when I got home from school. I just miss her being here for me."

She said," You miss your mom a lot. Tell me about Olivia."

I said," She was my mom's best friend. She told me she loved me last night. She goes to work everyday. She's never home when I get back from school."

She saw something under my comment and asked," What do you think about Olivia's job?"

I said trying to hide the fear I knew would show on my face," I wish she could be home when I got home."

She looked me dead in the eyes and said," What is your biggest fear about Olivia's job?"

I looked down at my hands fighting off the thoughts that were flooding my mind.

Olivia gently lifted my head and asked," What's wrong? Sarah, sweetie, please answer her question."

I said," I don't know."

Olivia looked at me and said calmly," Yes you do. What scares you the most about my job?"

I said," My mom never had to worry about the people she saw everyday."

Olivia asked," Sweetie, what do you mean?"

I looked up at her and said," You carry a gun just to go to work everyday. I can't loose anyone else. I can't survive loosing anyone else."

Elizabeth leaned her elbows down on her knees so she was looking me dead in the eyes and said," You're afraid something is going to happen to Olivia while she's at work and you'll be alone again. Have you ever talked to her about her work before?"

I shook my head no.

She asked," Why not?"

I said," Because, she won't understand."

She asked," What won't she understand? Please tell us why you're afraid to talk to Olivia about her job."

I said," If anything happens to her I won't have anyone left. Yes, Heather is there, but she wants to have a family of her own. I would only get in the way. If anything happens I won't have anywhere else to go."

Olivia looked at me and said," Nothing is going to happen."

I said," You chase people everyday that hurt other people. You have to carry a gun when you go to work. Olivia, I don't want anything to happen to you. I don't want to be alone."

She turned and looked me dead in the eyes. She said," Sarah, I love you with all my heart. I'm sorry that my job scares you. I want to ask you a question and I need you to answer honestly. Okay?"

I shook my head yes.

She said," You remember how we helped you when I found out about your dad. What if there's another little girl whose dad is hurting her and I'm not there to help her?"

I asked," And what if something happens and that girl's dad hurts you and I lose you?"

She lifted my chin up to look at her and looked me dead in the eyes and said," I can't promise you I'll be here for you, so I won't. I will be here for as long as am supposed to be, but if something happened to me tomorrow, I will be happy that I had the time with you that I had, but I'm not going anywhere. We're going to be together for a long time. I'm not leaving you."

I hugged her and Elizabeth said," Okay, I think we accomplished a lot. This week I want you to try spending half an hour just talking with each other. I'll see you next week. It was really nice to meet you Sarah. I really enjoyed talking to you. Be sure to talk to Olivia about how you're feeling."

I said okay. And we left together.


	26. You Can Do It

We got in the car, but I didn't say anything.

Olivia asked," What's wrong?"

I said," My mom didn't have a dangerous job, but she's still not here anymore. I'm serious Olivia, if anything ever happens to you, I won't make it."

She took my hands in hers and said," Sarah, your mom was in an accident. It was something that wasn't supposed to happen and it wasn't her fault. I'm sorry you are afraid of me going to work, but I also know that you know how important my job is to other people. We are careful and I will be okay. Come on, let's run by the precinct before we head home."

We walked into her office. I sat down at her desk and she walked into Captain Cragen's office.

Elliot was sitting down doing paperwork.

He saw on my face the fear I was trying so hard to hide.

He said," I'll take care of her Sarah. Don't worry. I won't let anything happen to her."

I smiled and Olivia walked back out. She asked," What are you smiling about?"

I said," Nothing, are we going home?"

She said," Yeah, come on."

We drove home and I went into the living room and turned on the TV. I slid in a tape from off the shelf and turned and called," Olivia, do you want to watch a tape with me?"

She called back from her room," I have to do my paper work before Monday and I have a lot to get done."

I begged," Please, please, you have to come watch this with me."

She walked in and asked," What are you watching that I just have to watch?"

I hit the play button and she walked around without saying anything and sat down beside me.

The voice started from the screen," It's February 14th, and it's Sarah's fifth birthday. There's Aunt Olivia, and here are Sarah's best friend. There's the birthday girl."

Olivia wrapped her arm around me.

My five year old self appeared on the screen.

My mom asked," How old are you?"

I held up five fingers. She asked," How many is that?"

I whispered to the camera like it was a secret," It's five"

Olivia walked up behind me and tickled me before picking me up.

I laughed and kissed her. She said," Happy Birthday Sarah."

I said as I laughed," I love you Aunt Olivia."

Then the camera flipped back to the cake and I hit the mute.

I asked," Why did I stop calling you Aunt Olivia?"

She pulled out from under me and said," When you turned seven your mom threw you your very first sleep over party, and I promised to be there. But I had a case and I decided to stay and work it instead of letting someone else take over and I missed your party. I tired for weeks to get you to talk to me, but you wouldn't. Finally, I just left you alone and eventually you started to talk to me again, but you never called me Aunt Olivia again."

I said," I think every bad memory before my mom died is gone…except for my dad. Olivia…"

She asked," Yeah?"

I said," I don't want to testify in the trail."

She turned to look me dead in the eyes and softened her voice and said," I know that you don't, but without your testimony you know your dad will walk."

I sat there fighting off tears and said," I can't face him Olivia, I can't."

She wrapped her arms around me and held me close. She brushed the hair back away from my face and kissed my forehead and whispered," I know you're stronger than you think."

I fell asleep there in her arms on the couch. She covered me up and let me sleep there.

I woke up the next morning to a face I hadn't seen in weeks.

Heather rubbed my cheek until I had woken up.

She smiled and then said," I know you can do it. You're a strong, beautiful person, and you have a strong soul. You can do this Sarah. You can do it."


	27. I'll Do It

**Sorry it took so long to update...more to come soon.

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Olivia walked in and said," We have a meeting with Casey today, and then we're going too go see Elizabeth again to talk about the trail."

I said," Olivia, I can't face him."

She took my hand and said," Sarah, sweetie, look at me. You can do this. We're going to do this together."

I looked at her fighting to lock all my emotions inside.

Heather could read it all on my face, and I think Olivia could read some of them too.

Heather said," Go get ready, it'll be okay."

When we walked into the court house I walked behind Olivia up to Casey's office.

Olivia knocked and the opened the door. Casey stood up and said," Hey. Hi Sarah, Come in and have seat." She cut right to the chase," Olivia said you're worried about testifying. Can you tell me what scares you the most?"

I said," I don't know."

There was a knock on the door and Dr. Olivet came in.

She said hello to everyone and then sat down beside me.

She said," Olivia called me, I know we were supposed to meet later, but I thought maybe if we all met together we could figure out how to make you more comfortable about the trial."

I looked down at my hands and curled my feet up underneath me.

She asked," What is bothering you?"

I didn't look up, I just shook my head and said," I don't know."

She said," Yes you do. Sarah, what scares you the most about this trail?"

I said," I can't face him. I don't want to face him."

She said," You can face him, you already have. Sarah, you said no and you fought back. You said no."

I said," I can't tell people. I can't tell them what he did."

She asked softly," Why not?"

I said," I just can't. I won't."

Casey knelled down and said," Without you he's going to hurt someone else. I know you know that, and I know that you want to help, but you're scared. So tell me what I can do so you won't be scared anymore."

I looked Olivia dead in the eyes and said," I don't want to do it Olivia. I can't tell people what he did to me."

Olivia knelled down in front of me and took my hands in hers.

She asked," Why can't you tell people?"

Everyone's eyes were fixed on me waiting for an answer.

I said quietly," Because every time I talk about it, it feel like it's happening all over again. I can't relive it in a court room full of people. Olivia, I can't even sleep without the lights being on and me being wrapped up in a blanket wearing long sleeves and pants. How can I tell other people when I can't even convince myself he can't hurt me? I can't go into the same room as him and tell all those people what he did. I can't. I can't."

Elizabeth said," Sarah look at me."

I looked over at her fighting to hold all my emotions inside.

She asked," Besides raping you, what is the worst thing your step dad ever did to you?"

I sat there for a minute. A tear rolled down my face and I said as tears tore through my voice," When I was seven I made a B on a project he helped me on. He yelled at me and told me I must have messed with something after I got to school, because nothing he made would ever get a B. Then he hit me over and over before he threw me through the TV."

She asked," did you go to the hospital?"

I shook my head no.

She asked," Did your teacher's not see the marks?"

I said," He told them I was sick that week, and if they saw them any other time they chose not to say anything. I was trapped inside a nightmare with no way out, and I'm in it again."

She said," Yes, you are, but you have a way out."

I asked," How? How do I make this end?"

She said," You tell those people in that room every thing he has done to you and put him away for a very long time. You have the chance to end this. You can make the nightmare end."

I said as a tear fell from my cheek," I'm not strong enough."

Olivia took my hand again and said," You're the strongest person I've ever met. If anyone could do this you can. I know you are ready to see justice and you deserve it the most. Help us put him away Sarah. Help us by telling your story."

I looked at Heather and asked," Will you stay with me?"

She said," Always, I will always be here when you need me."

I looked at Olivia; she knew what I wanted to ask.

She said," You couldn't get rid of me even if you tried."

I smiled and said," I'll try to do the trial, but what if I change my mind?"

Casey said," You can change your mind, but if you do it's going to put him back out there, but if you tell your story he won't ever be able to hurt you again."

I asked," Promise?"

She looked me square in the eyes and said," I promise."

I said," Okay, I'll do it."


	28. Fifty Years

**Warning: has some scenes that some people might find offensive. Deals directly with rape and sexual abuse. If this bothers you please don't read this chapter! No complaint about it because you have been warned.**

**I rewrote this chapter...thanks for pointing out the weaknesses, and hopefully this is much better...it feel more acurate and realistic. Please R&R and thanks again for the reviews, please keep them coming. they never get old.**

**sherryfan1

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The week between that meeting and the trial flew past.

Olivia woke me up this morning.

I feel so sick to my stomach. I don't know if I can do this. I can't even get out of bed.

Olivia walked back into my room. She sat down on the bed beside me and said," You have to get up and get dressed Sweetie. We have to be at the court house in an hour and a half."

I said," I feel sick."

She leaned over me and looked me dead in the eyes she said," I know that you're nervous, and that's okay. You can do this, you're not doing it alone. We are all going to be there and he can't hurt you."

A tear escaped from my eye.

She wiped it away and said," Come on get up, Heather's here and she has a surprise for you."

She left and I got dressed.

I walked out and Heather had made my favorite breakfast, eggs, that we still just a little wet not dry like Olivia made them, and chocolate chip pancakes.

I sat down and we all ate together.

I brushed my teeth and Olivia pulled my hair up into a ponytail.

Then finished wrapping the pony tail holder around my hair and kissed the top of my head as we stood in front of the mirror.

She said," You're going to do great. Come on."

We rode in Olivia's car to the court house.

Casey met us outside of the courtroom.

She said," Okay, you and Heather are going to wait out here until the court officer comes to get you. Olivia's going to come in with me now because she has to talk first. It's going to be okay. Just be strong for a little longer."

She and Olivia walked into the courtroom and I sat down on the bench beside Heather.

My stomach was in knots, my heart was pounding, and my palms were all sweaty when the door opened that the officer called my name.

Heather stood up and took my hand she said," Come on. You can do this. I know you can. We're right here for you."

The officer led me up to the seat and swore me in. I kept my eyes locked on Olivia who was sitting behind Casey.

Casey stood up and walked over in front of me. She made sure to stand so I couldn't see my dad when I looked up.

She said," Can you say your full name for the record?"

I said," Sarah Elizabeth Camden"

She said," Sarah, how old are you?"

I looked at her and said," I'm twelve."

She asked," Who do you live with?"

I said," I live with Olivia Benson."

She asked," Why do you live with Olivia, why not with you parents?"

I said," My mom died almost a year ago and my dad didn't want anymore kids, so he left after I was born."

She asked," Who is that man sitting over there?"

She pointed to my step dad.

I answered," That's my step dad."

She asked," You're mom divorced him. Can you tell me why?"

I said," He became abusive, to her… and to me."

She asked," How was he abusive?"

I said," He started by just yelling at us all the time, but then he started to hit us."

She asked," Why didn't you mom leave him?"

I said," We did, more than once, but he always found us. We couldn't get away."

She asked," Your mom was best friends with Detective Benson, why didn't she tell her?"

I said," She tried once, but Olivia was so consumed by her cases…my mom gave up trying."

She asked," What happened on you fourth birthday?"

I said," I was in my bedroom after my mom had tucked me in and gone to work. I saw the light from the door opening on my ceiling. I looked over and then the door shut and my room when dark…and then he came into my bed. I cried for him to stop, but he wouldn't. I laid there in tears until he left. Then I went and took a bath, and curled up in my closet and fell asleep. He came in every night after that while my mom was at work. I hated it, but I knew it was going to happen."

She looked me dead in the eyes and asked," Sarah, why didn't you ever tell anyone?"

A tear rolled down my face as I answered," I did. I told my teacher once. She said I shouldn't say things like that when they weren't true."

She asked," Why didn't you ever tell anyone else, or Olivia?"

I said," My teacher didn't believe me. I didn't think anyone would believe me. I didn't even know that it was wrong. No one ever told me it was wrong until I got into second grade, and then they wouldn't believe me when I tried to tell them. I guess I just gave up. I just gave up."

She asked," What made this time different?"

I said," I'm twelve, I know it's wrong and I won't let him do it anymore. Not this time."

She asked," What did he do this time?"

I said," he picked me up from school the week Heather was out of town. I hoped he had changed while he was in prison. He told my mom he had changed, but he hadn't. I went into my room and shut my door, but he came in again, just like when I was little."

She asked," Did you tell him no or fight?"

I said," I screamed, and I fought, but he's stronger than I am. I couldn't get away. I tried but I couldn't get away."

She asked," What did he do to you?"

I looked down and said," He raped me. Every day after school he raped me."

She asked," Sarah, why didn't you tell Olivia after the first time?"

I said as tears followed steadily down my face," No one believed me last time, I didn't know if she'd believe me."

She asked," Did she believe you when you finally told her?"

I shook my head yes.

Casey said," You have to answer out loud."

I said," Yes."

She asked," What did her do when you told her?"

I said," She called Elliot, her partner, and they came to the apartment to collect evidence and they took me to the hospital."

She asked," What happened at the hospital?"

I said," They did a rape kit and I talked to a rape crisis counselor."

She said," Thank you Sarah."

Then she turned to the judge and said," I have no further questions."

She sat down and I knew the part I feared the most was coming.

The other lawyer stood up and walked towards me.

He stood so if I looked at him I would have to see my step dad too.

He said," Good afternoon Sarah. My name is Mr. Layson, Do you mind if I ask you a few question?"

I said," No."

He asked," How long were you mom and step dad married?"

I said," Six years."

He said," So your step dad molested you for two years and your mom never left him."

I said," I told you, we tried, but he kept finding us."

He asked," Why didn't you go to the police? Why wouldn't you try to tell someone else?"

I said at the brink of losing it," I tried to tell my teacher and she didn't believe me. I was five, I didn't think anyone would believe me."

He asked," Did you go to the doctor when you were little?"

I said," Yes."

He asked," Why didn't the doctor ever see that you were being abused?"

I said," My step dad always took me, and he would let them look."

He asked," Don't you think that would make them suspicious?"

I said," I don't know. I'm not a doctor. I'm just a kid."

He said," That's right your just a kid. Do you know what it means to lie?"

I said," It's when you make something up to cover up something that could get you in trouble."

He asked," Have you ever lied?"

I looked at him and said," Everyone lies."

He asked," What if I said I think you're lying about your step dad?"

I looked him dead in the eyes and said," I'd say the doctors think you're wrong."

I could tell I threw him a little bit.

He gathered his thought and asked," Did you love your step dad?"

I looked down.

I sat there a minute and said," He was the only father I ever knew."

He asked," Did you love him?"

I almost yelled," Yes, he was my dad!"

He asked," Do you still love him?"

I looked down as tears rolled from my eyes again and said softly," Yes, on some level I will always love him. He's my dad."

The lawyer looked at the judge and said," That's all I have."

The Judge said," I have a few questions before you step down."

I looked up at her.

She asked," Do you understand what you're accusing your step dad of and what can happen to him if he did what you're saying he did?"

I shook my head yes.

She asked," Can you tell me?"

I said," If they believe me then my step dad can go to jail for a long time, and he'll never be able to hurt me or anyone else ever again. He hurt me like no one is ever supposed to. He was my dad and I trusted him, and he hurt me."

She said," You aren't doing this because you're mad because he punished you?"

I said," He never punished me after I was four, he just raped me."

She said," Okay, you can go back with Detective Benson. Thank you for telling us your story."

I walked down and sat by Olivia. She wrapped her arm around me and squeezed my shoulder.

The judge gave her instructions to the jury and then the jury went back to deliberate. After court was put in recess, Casey turned around and looked at me.

She said," You three should go get something to eat…it might be a while before the jury comes back. Thank you Sarah. You were very brave."

Olivia looked down at me and said," Sarah, I'm proud of you. She's right, you were very brave. Come on, let's go get something to eat."

We all went out to get a late lunch. We had been gone about an hour when Olivia's phone rang. It was Casey, the jury was back.

We got the check and then went to the courthouse.

We had just walked in and sat down when the court was called to order and the judge came in followed by the jury.

Olivia wrapped one arm around me and reached out and took my hand with the other. Heather was holding my other hand.

The judge asked," Has the jury reached its verdict?"

The Foreperson stood up and said," Yes we have your honor."

She asked," What say you?"

He said," In the matter of State of New York verses Greg Thomas, on the charge of Rape in the 1st degree, we find the defendant guilty, on the charge of sexual abuse in the 1st degree, we find the defendant guilty."

The judge said," The court would like to thank you for your service. If everyone agrees, I'm ready to sentence now."

Both lawyers agreed.

She said," For the first charge of 1st degree rape, I hereby sentence you to forty years without parole, on the second charge of 1st degree sexual abuse, I hereby sentence you to ten year, these sentences are to run consecutively. Thank you. Court is dismissed."

I was so relieved. He couldn't hurt me or anyone else ever again. He'd be eighty before he could even get out. I hugged Olivia tight.

She asked," What do you want to do now?"

I asked," Can we go home and cook together?"

She said," Yeah, Tell Heather bye and let's get going."

Olivia talked to Casey while I went to tell Heather bye.

I walked up to Olivia.

Casey asked," How do you feel?"

I said," I'm glad someone finally believed me. Thank you."


	29. A Family

**Thanks for catching that mistake svurookie...sorry it was late and I hit the wrong chapter to upload...so here it is... thanks.**

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Casey looked at me and said," You're very welcome. You did great Sarah, and it's over now. So work on moving on. He's not a part of your life anymore."

I hugged her and Olivia and I went home.

Once we had gotten home we changed clothes and met back in the kitchen.

We had just started cooking dinner from my mom's old recipes when Olivia's cell phone started ringing.

I looked at her waiting for her to answer and rush off to work. She looked down and hit the ignore button on her phone.

She looked up at me and said," Tonight it's just us. Let's get cooking."

We cooked for almost two hours and then sat down to a table with flowers and candles.

I felt like my mom was here again.

We talked and laugh while we ate the foods my mom used to make for us.

After we had cleaned up the kitchen we curled up on the couch to watch a movie.

We each got to pick one. We watched hers first, it was a movie I had watched with her and my mom many times during my childhood.

Then I put in my video, but it wasn't a movie it was a home video.

I was younger and Olivia was there. My mom was behind the camera talking… we were happy.

I looked at Olivia when I finally stopped the tape after an hour and said," I feel like that again?"

She asked," Like what?"

I said," I'm happy."

She hugged me and said," I'm glad you are. I'm happy too. I love you Sarah."

I looked up and said," I love you to Olivia, I love you too."

She said," Come on, it's late. Why don't we head to bed and we can go shopping in the morning."

I said," Okay. Good night Olivia."

We got up and walked to the bathroom to brush our teeth.

She finished first and kissed the top of my head and walked to her room to put on her pjs.

I walked to my room when I had finished and changed clothes. I sat down on the window sill and looked up at the stars.

I prayed out loud," Dear God, Thank you for letting the jury believe me, and for sending me Olivia. Even though I get mad at her sometimes and she doesn't always listen to me when I talk to her; I know that she loves me and that's she'd do anything for me. I love her…she's like my mom. She's learning how to read my face, and she's also learning that I don't always say what I mean. She reminds me so much of my mom. Her laugh, her smile, the way she loves life…I couldn't live my life without her. So God, whatever happens to me in the future…whatever your plan is, please, just let her be here with me. I can't handle losing anyone else. For once, I just want to have a family that will always be there for me. I'll never ask for anything else as long as I live; just let us be a family. Oh, Yeah…God, Please tell my mom that I love her…and I miss her."

Olivia had been standing in the door and had heard my prayer. She stood behind me and wrapped her arms around me and looked up at the stars and added to my prayer," Never let Sarah stop reaching for the stars. You gave her to me and now we're a family. I couldn't live my life without her either. And tell her mom I love her and miss her too. Amen."

She hugged me and said," We are a family Sarah."


	30. The Paper

I fell asleep happy that night.

I finally had the one thing that had been missing, the love of a family.

Olivia and I were a family.

She woke me up the next morning and we ate before heading out to spend the day together.

I hadn't had that much fun with her in a long time.  
I felt like I was as important to her as her job was.

We shopped and went to eat lunch at a restaurant and then headed home around three.

We put all of our stuff away and I walked into the kitchen to get a snack and Olivia was putting on her coat.

She handed me mine and said," Come on, Elliot called…he said it was urgent. Grab your books."

I went with her. I wasn't very happy, but it was her job, and I was finally accepting that what she was doing was sometimes more important than I was.

Not to say that was an easy lesson to learn, but I was growing up…we both were.

I sat at her desk and did homework while she talked to Elliot.

She walked over and grabbed some stuff from her desk and said," I have to go now, Heather is on her way to get you. I'll see you later."

I sat there until Heather got there. She took my back to the apartment and we played cards until I finally went to bed.

When I woke up Heather was still there.

She said as I walked into the kitchen," Good morning, Olivia called… she had to work all night last night…she'll be home around lunch. Come on, what do you want to do?"

I asked," Can we go to church?"

She said," Sure we can…I was hoping that's what you would want to do. Go get ready." We went to church and then out to lunch.

Olivia got back to the apartment the same time we did. Heather just let me out and she went home. I walked up with Olivia.

She was exhausted, I could tell.

She sat down on the couch and asked," What do you want to do today?"

I said," Go to bed…I can entertain myself for one afternoon."

She kissed the top of my head and said," Thanks. I'll see you later."

I watched tv and doodled on some paper…it was kind of boring, but I know she really needed to sleep.

I had just started making dinner when she came out of her room.

She made coffee and sat down at the table.  
I finished and sat our dinner down.

We ate and then I cleaned up and went to bed.

* * *

**One Year Later:**

_My Life_

_By: Sarah Benson_

_Things have changed a lot in the last year, not just because I'm growing up, but because my life is so different than it was a year and a half ago. A year and a half ago I was living with my mom, Annie, in a little two-bedroom house in a cozy neighborhood in the suburbs. My name was Sarah Camden, not Sarah Benson, and I was happy. Over last year, my mom died in a car accident, I moved in with my mom's best friend, I was attacked by my step dad, and I was adopted. To any other person this may seem over whelming and crazy, but I love my life now. It wasn't always like that, but I learned that sometimes things change. My mom told me she would be with me forever…and if you had asked me last year, I probably would have told you that I guessed forever didn't last as long as it used too. But not anymore…because my mom is still here…no I can't touch her, but I can still talk to her, I see her in Olivia, and she will forever live in my heart. The accident was the worst and best thing that ever happened to me and Olivia. Two people who hadn't seen much of each other, and who had just lost an important person. Olivia and my mom had known each other for longer than I've been alive; they were best friends. As a child Olivia had been my "Aunt Olivia" now she is the only mother I have. We had to learn a lot about how to be mother and daughter and I had to learn that Olivia's job with the SVU squad was sometimes more important than my whining about a paper I had to write. We've grown to love each other like we did when I was little, and she's learning how to be a mother. Last Christmas she gave me the greatest gift ever; the papers that named her my legal guardian, my adoption papers. Along with a fresh start I got a new name… Sarah Elizabeth Annie Benson…so I guess my mom will live on forever…in me._

I hung my paper on the fridge when I got home. The red A at the top made me proud.

Olivia was working until six.

I had chores to do, but first I wanted to call Heather.

It had become a weekly ritual since she had moved to Kentucky with her husband, and the big news? They're going to have a baby!

I always ask about the baby and she asks about school.

She said she had a question to ask me.

I said," Shoot."

Her reply was not one I was expecting," Can we use your mom's name if it's a girl?"

A smile spread across my face as a tear fell from my eye," Yeah, of course. I know my mom meant a lot to you too. Well…I had better do my chores and my homework. I'll talk to you next week. Bye Heather."

She said," Bye Sarah…I love you."

I said," I love you too," and then hung up.


	31. Out Of The Park

**Thanks to everyone whose been reading this story. This is the final chapter and I hope it does justice to the rest of the story. Hopefully I can start on another story soon.**

**sherryfan1**

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It's been ten years now.

I'm living a life I never imagined, but I'm happier than I ever dreamed.

With two years left of college, I'm looking forward to graduating with a degree in Child Psychology and planning for my future.

Heather and her husband had a beautiful baby, who is now a ten year old who enjoys ballet and singing; they named her Annie… Annie Elizabeth… just like my mom.

Olivia is still in New York working for SVU, and I never see her leaving until they force her to retire.

I'm living hundreds of miles away from home, but still manage to talk to Olivia at least once a day.

Next spring I will tie the knot with my fiancé, a man I have been dating for four years…he's a cop, Special Victims Unit.

What can you say there's just something about that uniform, like Olivia, some one willing to give every thing to stop human suffering and better the world one person, one case at a time.

After graduation we plan to return to New York.

He will work with Olivia, and I'll be the consulting psychologist for the unit. Talk about irony.

A place I once thought was taking my life by always taking Olivia… now I want to give my life to them too.

I pick up the phone and call home.

Olivia answers," Hello?"

I start the same way I do every time," it's your daughter…"

We talk for almost two hours this time.

We have so many things to get together for the wedding.

She asks," Have you decided what to do about whose going to give you away?"

I answered," There was never anything to decide… you're going to give me away…"

For me, those two years after my mom died will forever be the most important years of my life.

They taught me that sometimes life throws a curve, but it's never impossible to knock it out of the park.


End file.
